Killing in the name of God is wild to me.

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I’ve been away from God for a minute. Well not really because God is always with me; but this time I’m (once again) actively pushing to know him better and to do life with him. (I honestly hate saying ‘him’ when talking about God because God is genderless… but patriarchy is choking us even in this. Anyway, I digress. I’ll come back to that topic later.)

I’m currently reading Deuteronomy and I’m not even going to lie, I feel uneasy with Chapter two. It just seems wild to be that they could go and not only displace , but kill a whole town and settle in their lands in the name and authority of God.

Especially with what happened recently. I never really understood how deep it was. I guess I forgot about the humanity of the people being killed in the Bible until I saw them being displaced in real time.

Chapter two says nobody was spared. Not even the children. But what did those poor babies even do?? Like do you get?

They were probably just crying for milk and two seconds later a random guy is beheading them. It’s very upsetting. I mean I understand that they can grow older and turn against them but I can’t wrap my head around it still.

Maybe I need to dig deeper and go back into studying why they had to leave where they were in the first place and if they had beef with those cities before.

Till then, you will be getting a confused Zillenial who is trying to balance knowing/loving and understanding God (and all he did/does) with the things she values and her ‘morals’ (even though a bulk of my morality comes from knowing God and wanting to please him).

Wo, me I’m confused oh.

A petty God?

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I asked God for a miracle and He came through.

When I asked Him, I had told him I’d fast for two full days if He helped. With my past record of not keeping my word with Him, I told him to give me a chance to show him that I could be trusted now.

A few minutes later, what I prayed for came through.

I was stunned. I hadn’t felt God move that way in a while so the next day, I deleted my social media apps and closed the fridge.

The first day was struggle for me. I had always broken my fast earlier than I was supposed to but this time I was determined. I had to prove to God that I could be trusted so that He’d help again when I called.

The next day, I woke up not even hungry for food or social media but because I was aware that I hadn’t eaten the day before, I was very uneasy. I broke the fast and told myself that I’d start again the next day.

When I put the food in my mouth, I wasn’t satisfied. Even when I checked my timelines on social media, nothing was appealing to me. It was definitely a bad case of ruining something good for a moment of pleasure because there was really no pleasure.

Later in the day, I got an email with an update about the prayer I had made and immediately, my heart was bothered.

I thought God had taken his miracle back because I didn’t complete my fast. However, I opened it, I realized that it was just a general update and nothing bad.

Something spoke to me and checked me real quick and I believe it was the Holy Spirit.

Was that how low I viewed God -that he’d take his blessings away because I didn’t keep my end of the bargain?

Did I think God was petty?

God is faithful and he remains so, even in my own unfaithfulness. He’s not competing with me.

I will be completing the fast today to hold myself to my word, but even if I didn’t, God wouldn’t change who He is because of that.

It’s important that I write these things down as I take steps back to God and relearn who He is.

On Trauma and Healing

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You know what they say about healing. 
You gotta dig deep, pull out the mush,
lay it bare and let it hit you.
You pause, cry it out and stand back up.
It's only then that the battle can begin.

But what if you don’t get up.
What if the baggage is so heavy, it crushes you.
Leaving you paralyzed and incapable of recovering.
All the memories that you fought so hard to forget -
All up in your face.
And you’re too weak to fight them - 
Too broken to walk away.

The heartbreaks from your parents failed attempt at raising you,
The death of your grandpa when you were a  child - 
When you walked in and saw his lifeless body with cotton wool stuffed in his ears and nostrils. 
Your warped first introduction to sex
The betrayals in friendships that happened time after time
The times you were silenced and had no voice to speak 
The time that silence made you lose the most important part of you. 
---

On the other hand, 
What if you’re strong enough?
What if you come out of this battle 
With the head of your attacker 
Swinging from your fingers.

What if you learn to love again
And you learn to trust again
What if the right people come to you
And you bare your souls to each other
What if you find that safe haven you’ve always wanted
And you speak with confidence and walk with you head high.

What if you find the answers to your questions 
and a balm for the cracks in your heart
What if you become whole again 
And life's colours become vibrant - 
a change from the dull faded lenses you're used to.
What if you can conquer the fear?

But what if you don't?

Is it worth it?
To ring up past memories and trauma
and lay them in front of you 
Isn't it better to have it stay tucked in
and try your hardest to dodge the trigger bullets 
They are all neatly folded into mind cabinets anyway.
Surely, to unfold will be a fool's errand.

Set Free (Verse).

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You've been set free
But remember to resist the devil 
because he always comes back
and if he finds you empty,
he will invite his friends 
and they will set up shop.
This time, 
they will build with wood 
instead of twigs and leaves 
making it harder for you to rid them.

Guard your heart
after you have been set free
lest the devil make you his playground.
Seek your Lord and hide in Him.
For the war you fight is spiritual 
If there was anytime you needed the word
it's now. So attack.
With the double-edged sword.

Break me.

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I’m currently on a devotional plan called ‘Dangerous Prayers’

It was going well until this morning when I hit a prayer I couldn’t bring myself to pray.

‘Break me’

I struggled and struggled and ended up telling God to give me some time. ‘Let’s come back to this one’, I said. ‘I don’t think I’m quite ready for that’.

Now whilst speaking to God. I began to wonder.

Why am I so afraid to have God break me?

I mean, God says he wants the best for me. He is GOOD. Yes?

So why am I afraid of getting hurt or disadvantaged?

The bible says would a father give a stone when his child asks for bread? How much more God in Heaven?

I asked God to help me trust Him more because surely that is the root.

God is not wicked. Even when things don’t go my way, I should understand that God’s plans for me are of good and not evil.

I should be willing and able to utterly trust; leaving everything for this Being. Allowing him to break me and trusting he will build back.

I hope I’m able to say this prayer soon.

Till then, stay safe x

Also, yes, no salutations today because the world is shaking atm and you’ll just lie that you’re okay.

The Answer.

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Hey guys!

Long time no chat.

I hope you’re treating yourself nicely, eating your greens, staying fit… you know, all the good good things I’m definitely not doing for myself.

Last time I told you my struggle with sex and all the holes my mind was jumping through to validate it.

Well, I found my answer. I found it a couple of months back tbh but I forgot to let you know.

The simple answers are self-discipline and self-control. One of the fruits of the Spirit actually.

Yes I can do anything I want but not all things are good for me – rekkeeeeee!!! Somebody open your bible to 1 Corinthians 10:23

LMAO! I’m sorry. Back to business.

I want to be able to control my body you know, be the boss of myself and not a slave to my body. And that’s where discipline comes in. By controlling that part of me, I’m training my mind and body for other aspects of my life that need discipline and perseverance too.

****

Totally off topic, but I dreamt of mama through the night. I was hugging her so tightly and crying. When she noticed my tears and asked why, I told her ‘I’m just so happy you’re here’

Yes Jesus, more dreams like this. I know I cried to you to stop the dreams that time. But I think I’m healing well now.

I’ll gladly take me hugging her in my dreams than none at all.

Also, thank you Jesus for showing yourself this year. You are the most precious thing to me. It’s me and You till I die and for eternity.

Cherry Talk

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Don’t ask me why I named this note that. It just seemed really weird having a title with the word ‘virginity’ in it. What could I have named it?

  • Virginity Talk?
  • to pop or not to pop?
  • Can you do a split in the middle(thank you Naira Marley)?

Anyway, moving far away from that. I have never really felt a struggle to not have sex. It was pretty straight forward to me – not happening till the second week of marriage (you know, give the extra week to be sure I’m truly married. LOL).

This year though? My oh my. I mean, I just have to blame it on my hormones because I’m not sure if it’s because I’m meeting new people and suddenly have many more options or my sudden boost in boldness. I’m not exactly sure I understand what is going on.

Actually, I have a small idea.

I don’t believe in the things that kept me from sex anymore or I have found loopholes around them.

  • The fear of pregnancy – condoms and pills (I hate pills and would absolutely forget to take them so maybe this should be it tbh)
  • STDs? – condoms
  • borderline terror of God – I don’t view God as a monster or slave master anymore
  • soul ties – I am not sure I believe in it.
  • reputation? – I’ve never really been one to care about what people think but it’s worse now.
  • Getting attached to people re: soul ties
  • It’s a sin – girl, you be cussing and doing a whole lot of other things so why is this different?
  • Bonus point – I truly believe virginity is a social construct. Why should I suddenly be seen differently because a penis was in me? There is a 100% chance my hymen – if was ever going to ‘break’ did that in my multiple years of riding bicycles and horses. So yeah. Invalid!

I was speaking to one of my friend groups about it (the ones that have probably damned me to hell with the things I bring up). I explained how I didn’t have a ‘why’ for abstaining anymore.

Literally everyone – well almost everyone is having sex and still flourishing. In fact, doing better than I am, so kini izzue?

They brought up a couple of valid points against it but my brain obviously countered them. They advised that I needed to find my own reason to actually pursue ‘righteousness’.

I don’t know if I’ve found that reason yet but I did see something that made me laugh out loud recently on Zikokomag. Again, if you have not checked them out, why not? Anyway, that’s the link below. No need to thank me.

https://www.zikoko.com/life/10-unpopular-marriage-opinions-young-nigerians-are-not-sorry-about/

Number 9 – ‘…My married friends say sex slaps sweeter when you are not constantly thinking of burning in hell after. I want to experience that.’

L.O.L

Back to blaming biology and science in general, does this get worse with age?

Let me know your thoughts in the comments please.

P.S. I am not sponsored by Zikoko. I genuinely love their work.

Commitment Woes.

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I have commitment issues. You probably already picked up on it from my posts but I only realized this a couple of months ago when I met new people. I found it extremely difficult to let them into my life and build a relationship with them.

Through self-reflection and borderline tearing myself down, I linked this to the broken relationships I’ve had – I don’t think I healed in a healthy way.

These new people seemed like genuine people who just wanted to share the love of the father with me with no strings attached but I couldn’t shake off the feeling that it would all burst in my face.

I now realize that the feeling was fear. It crippled me so that I was unable to love with all of my body and mind, thereby robbing them of my value and myself of a good friendship. I know that fear comes from the father of lies – the devil but I am no longer a slave to fear. I have not been given the spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. It’s one of the reasons I started this blog and I can’t believe it took me so long to remember.

I’m taking steps to becoming better. I’m active in the group chat, I tell them how much I love them, and yes, I even post them on social media (which is basically like introducing your boyfriend to your parents tbh).

I obviously still sometimes have those doubts kick in but I’ve decided to be optimistic and go with the ride. If I come crashing again… well you’ll be the first to find out.

It’s the little things

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Look at me being consistent. I’ll wait for the applause.

I have something interesting to share with you. Remember when I told you that my faith was on the rocks (no, no alcohol jokes here lol)?

Two weeks ago, a man who was evangelizing walked up to me and handed me a pamphlet. ‘Do you believe in God?’ ‘Do you believe in life after death (heaven)?’ I answered yes to all his questions but knew I was lying to myself – a little Pinocchio.

It was a weird, scary feeling. My mind ran in circles. ‘Are you leaving God now?… you’re atheist after all these years? Are you willing to take this risk?’ And lastly, ‘are you crazy?’.

Strange things have happened these past few weeks. I’ll tell you about two. They’re both food related but I promise I’m not a glutton.

1. Jollof Rice: I had the most intense craving for jollof rice and I couldn’t find a place with good reputation to order from. With my history of cooking the particular dish, I decided the 20% chance of making inedible food wasn’t worth it so I tweeted a prayer for God to provide it. Now, I didn’t put my mind to it. I wasn’t expecting an answer at all. It was just an innocent tweet but my aunty came back that evening and offered – without being asked, to make – you guessed it – JOLLOF RICEEEEEE!

You’re probably thinking ‘Deb, have you heard of coincidences?’ I have, yes but let me give you another instance.

2. Doughnuts: About three days ago, I was laying in bed, on the phone with my friend and I repeatedly told them I was dying to eat doughnuts but I didn’t want to walk outside and the doughnut shop didn’t deliver. I tweeted that God should provide doughnuts the same way he provided the rice. And He did LOL! The next day, my coworker got me doughnuts unprovoked.

It’s the little things that tell me that there’s still a God. Okay one bonus one before I let you go. I was going to go rogue and then I got a text with a bible verse warning against it. I laughed so hard like I get it God, I wouldn’t dabble in it.

There are hints around me everyday. It’s also very nice to know that God is actively trying to get me back after all my disbelief and flat out disregard for Him.