Bold-ish

Manu

June 30th, 2022

‘I love your curves. Every inch of your body is perfect’ – Manu says.

He’s clearly lost in the lustful moment of it all. His hands stroke my hip bone and he moves his fingers up to my ribs one by one like he is climbing up a wall.

I don’t have curves like the other women my age. I am straight like an iroko tree with a round fat belly; which is odd because I am skinny. My body dips where my hips should be and my breasts are two allergic swellings. This is why I’m shocked when Manu puts his mouth over them and seems to enjoy it. I tell him it’s pedophilic and he takes his mouth off even after I tell him I’m joking and beg him to continue because I like it.

‘You can’t joke about consent and rape, Titi’

Sometimes I can’t wrap my head around how moral he is.

He wouldn’t enter me because I told him one time that I wasn’t ready and now he thinks I want to only because he asked. I mean, it is; but it’s my decision, yes?

My mouth is tired from all the kissing and I want to sleep but I like his hands on me so I fight the drowsiness.

Manu knows how to make me feel good. Not just physically. He knows just the right words to say. It’s almost like he lives in my head.

His fingers stop when I murmur that I love him. He looks over my shoulder and pauses. My eyes are firmly shut. I pretend it was sleep talk but he knows. I feel him smile and kiss my ear. He pulls me closer and drifts into sleep.

I shouldn’t have said that. We’ve known each other for only three months. I know he will bring it up in the morning so I let my heart pound on my chest heavily at the fear of rejection.

****

I’m lifting up holy hands in church the next morning but I can still smell him and I wonder if everyone else can too. I try not to stay too close to the other choristers on stage but three of us are sharing one microphone so it’s hard.

I miss my cue to sing so Lydia jumps in. I’m distracted by the lingering smell and taste. I mean, I scrubbed myself vigorously before coming but I guess I need a long soak in the bath for him to leave.

I don’t stay for service. I am cheating on Christ for whom I just cried on stage singing about; even I am disgusted at my pretence. I sneak out through the back door so that the busy-body aunty who ushers every second Sunday doesn’t ask too many questions. I will need to lie to her and that means my sins are piling up.

Listen, I really want to stop. I want to turn back to God in repentance but my flesh has grown wings. It is a rebellious teenager with raging hormones on a fast train to destruction and I am not strong enough to fight.

Besides, I am enjoying it. Why does sin have to be so sweet?

****

For our six month-versary , Manu tells me that he has a surprise for me. I already know what it is because he asked for my bikini and flip flop sizes two weeks ago. It has to be a beach date. We’re not officially dating so I make sure to remind myself not to fall in love yet even though l have named our future three children. In my dreams we have two girls- Tiara, Desire and a mini Manu, Emmanuel.

I’m not a fan of the beach. I don’t like the way the water moves. I can’t tell whether it’s teasing me or yelling at me. I also don’t like it when the sand enters my bum crack and I have to pretend that I don’t feel it. I wonder if people wash their bums inside the water when they go in. That’s disgusting and one more reason I hate the beach. Why should I dive into and swallow tamba* water?

At the beach house, I try to lead his fingers into me but he turns it into a game and kisses my forehead. I try a couple more times but I realize soon enough that he isn’t budging.

A text comes to his phone as I am rubbing his head on my chest to sleep. It’s a woman. She’s thanking him for last night. I try not to think about it. Maybe he helped her with her car – he knows a lot about them. He gets up and goes into the bathroom. I hear him laughing but cars are not funny.

I try to stop thinking about the lady but can’t help myself so I pull out her Instagram profile when I get home. Her body is full. Her hips are round, her breasts sit perfectly on her chest like two obedient grapefruits – not too big, not too small, and her thick thighs can definitely save lives.

My heart hurts a bit but I don’t blame him. Even I would cheat on myself for her. I make a new account and follow her. I feel crazy because we’re not actually together so I can’t confront him.

The next time we meet, I force him to enter me. He wouldn’t cheat now that he can finally get everything from me.

****

I fall sick about three weeks later. I’m puking and nauseous so I can’t follow him to London for his birthday weekend. He wants to stay behind but I tell him to go. We planned this trip two months ago.

His pictures to me are sporadic and weirdly angled. I, the viewer can only see part of his head like a badly done crop. I tease him the next time he calls. He’s locked himself in the bathroom again.

‘Are your enemies after you? Should I send ten k urgently?’

He laughs, but I’m serious.

It is then that I hear her voice. It’s perfect – sultry and calming. She sounds confident and content. Like she’s experiencing the purest form of love with no worries.

Manu breaks into a coughing rage and flushes the toilet in a bid to drown her voice but it’s too late.

Why do men…what is… why are men…?

I scream into my pillow. Folding and moulding it into my face to withhold air from my nostrils. I don’t want to die – but I will like to pause for a bit and feel the pain and discomfort.

I usually am stronger than this but I can’t stop my self from crying. I think my period is about to start. Or wait. Oh God no.

***

I’m lifting up my hands in church again. This time with Manu next to me. He’s holding on to my side and counting my ribs like old times. On his other hand he’s holding a baby… our baby as the Pastor blesses her. Tiaraoluwa – From the body of God.

Manu smiles at me wearily. He has stayed with me and put a ring on my finger. I feel pitiful like a charity project even though he says it’s not true.

His moral compass made him stay. But where the fuck did morality go when he was laying with another woman?
Killing in the name of God is wild to me.

July 14th, 2021

I’ve been away from God for a minute. Well not really because God is always with me; but this time I’m (once again) actively pushing to know him better and to do life with him. (I honestly hate saying ‘him’ when talking about God because God is genderless… but patriarchy is choking us even in this. Anyway, I digress. I’ll come back to that topic later.)

I’m currently reading Deuteronomy and I’m not even going to lie, I feel uneasy with Chapter two. It just seems wild to be that they could go and not only displace , but kill a whole town and settle in their lands in the name and authority of God.

Especially with what happened recently. I never really understood how deep it was. I guess I forgot about the humanity of the people being killed in the Bible until I saw them being displaced in real time.

Chapter two says nobody was spared. Not even the children. But what did those poor babies even do?? Like do you get?

They were probably just crying for milk and two seconds later a random guy is beheading them. It’s very upsetting. I mean I understand that they can grow older and turn against them but I can’t wrap my head around it still.

Maybe I need to dig deeper and go back into studying why they had to leave where they were in the first place and if they had beef with those cities before.

Till then, you will be getting a confused Zillenial who is trying to balance knowing/loving and understanding God (and all he did/does) with the things she values and her ‘morals’ (even though a bulk of my morality comes from knowing God and wanting to please him).

Wo, me I’m confused oh.
A petty God?

April 20th, 2021

I asked God for a miracle and He came through.

When I asked Him, I had told him I’d fast for two full days if He helped. With my past record of not keeping my word with Him, I told him to give me a chance to show him that I could be trusted now.

A few minutes later, what I prayed for came through.

I was stunned. I hadn’t felt God move that way in a while so the next day, I deleted my social media apps and closed the fridge.

The first day was struggle for me. I had always broken my fast earlier than I was supposed to but this time I was determined. I had to prove to God that I could be trusted so that He’d help again when I called.

The next day, I woke up not even hungry for food or social media but because I was aware that I hadn’t eaten the day before, I was very uneasy. I broke the fast and told myself that I’d start again the next day.

When I put the food in my mouth, I wasn’t satisfied. Even when I checked my timelines on social media, nothing was appealing to me. It was definitely a bad case of ruining something good for a moment of pleasure because there was really no pleasure.

Later in the day, I got an email with an update about the prayer I had made and immediately, my heart was bothered.

I thought God had taken his miracle back because I didn’t complete my fast. However, I opened it, I realized that it was just a general update and nothing bad.

Something spoke to me and checked me real quick and I believe it was the Holy Spirit.

Was that how low I viewed God -that he’d take his blessings away because I didn’t keep my end of the bargain?

Did I think God was petty?

God is faithful and he remains so, even in my own unfaithfulness. He’s not competing with me.

I will be completing the fast today to hold myself to my word, but even if I didn’t, God wouldn’t change who He is because of that.

It’s important that I write these things down as I take steps back to God and relearn who He is.

On Trauma and Healing

March 25th, 2021

You know what they say about healing. 
You gotta dig deep, pull out the mush, lay it bare and let it hit you
You pause, cry it out and stand back up 
It's only then that the battle can begin.

But what if you don’t get up
What if the baggage is so heavy, 
it crushes you
Leaving you incapable of recovering
All those memories that you fought so hard to forget all up in your face.
And you’re too weak to fight them. 

The heartbreaks from your parents failed attempt at raising you
The death of your grandpa when you were 13. When you walked in and saw his lifeless body with the cutting wool stuffed in his ears and nose. 
Your warped first introduction to sex
The betrayals in friendships that happened time after time
The times you were silenced and had no voice to speak 
The time that silence made you lose the most important part of you. 

What if you’re strong enough?
What if you come out of this battle with the head of your attacker swinging from your fingers.

What if you learn to love again
And you learn to trust again
What if the right people come to you
And you bare your souls to each other
What if you find that safe haven you’ve always wanted. 
And you speak with confidence.

What if you can conquer the world 
But all you need is that first shelter of faith

Set Free (Verse).

January 11th, 2021

You've been set free
But remember to resist the devil 
because he always comes back
and if he finds you empty,
he will invite his friends 
and they will set up shop.
This time, 
they will build with wood 
instead of twigs and leaves 
making it harder for you to rid them.

Guard your heart
after you have been set free
lest the devil make you his playground.
Seek your Lord and hide in Him.
For the war you fight is spiritual 
If there was anytime you needed the word
it's now. So attack.
With the double-edged sword.

Break me.

September 28th, 2020

I’m currently on a devotional plan called ‘Dangerous Prayers’

It was going well until this morning when I hit a prayer I couldn’t bring myself to pray.

‘Break me’

I struggled and struggled and ended up telling God to give me some time. ‘Let’s come back to this one’, I said. ‘I don’t think I’m quite ready for that’.

Now whilst speaking to God. I began to wonder.

Why am I so afraid to have God break me?

I mean, God says he wants the best for me. He is GOOD. Yes?

So why am I afraid of getting hurt or disadvantaged?

The bible says would a father give a stone when his child asks for bread? How much more God in Heaven?

I asked God to help me trust Him more because surely that is the root.

God is not wicked. Even when things don’t go my way, I should understand that God’s plans for me are of good and not evil.

I should be willing and able to utterly trust; leaving everything for this Being. Allowing him to break me and trusting he will build back.

I hope I’m able to say this prayer soon.

Till then, stay safe x

Also, yes, no salutations today because the world is shaking atm and you’ll just lie that you’re okay.
The Answer.

August 21st, 2020

Hey guys!

Long time no chat.

I hope you’re treating yourself nicely, eating your greens, staying fit… you know, all the good good things I’m definitely not doing for myself.

Last time I told you my struggle with sex and all the holes my mind was jumping through to validate it.

Well, I found my answer. I found it a couple of months back tbh but I forgot to let you know.

The simple answers are self-discipline and self-control. One of the fruits of the Spirit actually.

Yes I can do anything I want but not all things are good for me – rekkeeeeee!!! Somebody open your bible to 1 Corinthians 10:23

LMAO! I’m sorry. Back to business.

I want to be able to control my body you know, be the boss of myself and not a slave to my body. And that’s where discipline comes in. By controlling that part of me, I’m training my mind and body for other aspects of my life that need discipline and perseverance too.

****

Totally off topic, but I dreamt of mama through the night. I was hugging her so tightly and crying. When she noticed my tears and asked why, I told her ‘I’m just so happy you’re here’

Yes Jesus, more dreams like this. I know I cried to you to stop the dreams that time. But I think I’m healing well now.

I’ll gladly take me hugging her in my dreams than none at all.

Also, thank you Jesus for showing yourself this year. You are the most precious thing to me. It’s me and You till I die and for eternity.
Cherry Talk

May 7th, 2020
Don’t ask me why I named this note that. It just seemed really weird having a title with the word ‘virginity’ in it. What could I have named it?
- Virginity Talk?
- to pop or not to pop?
- Can you do a split in the middle(thank you Naira Marley)?
Anyway, moving far away from that. I have never really felt a struggle to not have sex. It was pretty straight forward to me – not happening till the second week of marriage (you know, give the extra week to be sure I’m truly married. LOL).

This year though? My oh my. I mean, I just have to blame it on my hormones because I’m not sure if it’s because I’m meeting new people and suddenly have many more options or my sudden boost in boldness. I’m not exactly sure I understand what is going on.

Actually, I have a small idea.

I don’t believe in the things that kept me from sex anymore or I have found loopholes around them.
- The fear of pregnancy – condoms and pills (I hate pills and would absolutely forget to take them so maybe this should be it tbh)
- STDs? – condoms
- borderline terror of God – I don’t view God as a monster or slave master anymore
- soul ties – I am not sure I believe in it.
- reputation? – I’ve never really been one to care about what people think but it’s worse now.
- Getting attached to people re: soul ties
- It’s a sin – girl, you be cussing and doing a whole lot of other things so why is this different?
- Bonus point – I truly believe virginity is a social construct. Why should I suddenly be seen differently because a penis was in me? There is a 100% chance my hymen – if was ever going to ‘break’ did that in my multiple years of riding bicycles and horses. So yeah. Invalid!
I was speaking to one of my friend groups about it (the ones that have probably damned me to hell with the things I bring up). I explained how I didn’t have a ‘why’ for abstaining anymore.

Literally everyone – well almost everyone is having sex and still flourishing. In fact, doing better than I am, so kini izzue?

They brought up a couple of valid points against it but my brain obviously countered them. They advised that I needed to find my own reason to actually pursue ‘righteousness’.

I don’t know if I’ve found that reason yet but I did see something that made me laugh out loud recently on Zikokomag. Again, if you have not checked them out, why not? Anyway, that’s the link below. No need to thank me.

https://www.zikoko.com/life/10-unpopular-marriage-opinions-young-nigerians-are-not-sorry-about/

Number 9 – ‘…My married friends say sex slaps sweeter when you are not constantly thinking of burning in hell after. I want to experience that.’

L.O.L

Back to blaming biology and science in general, does this get worse with age?

Let me know your thoughts in the comments please.

P.S. I am not sponsored by Zikoko. I genuinely love their work.

Always and forever,

March 13th, 2020

I'd like to think you're dancing 
in Heaven
With the Angels spraying you dollars
as you sing heavenly songs of praise
to the Father

Happy Birthday my lover.
Always and forever,

Your baby.

Commitment Woes.

February 23rd, 2020

I have commitment issues. You probably already picked up on it from my posts but I only realized this a couple of months ago when I met new people. I found it extremely difficult to let them into my life and build a relationship with them.

Through self-reflection and borderline tearing myself down, I linked this to the broken relationships I’ve had – I don’t think I healed in a healthy way.

These new people seemed like genuine people who just wanted to share the love of the father with me with no strings attached but I couldn’t shake off the feeling that it would all burst in my face.

I now realize that the feeling was fear. It crippled me so that I was unable to love with all of my body and mind, thereby robbing them of my value and myself of a good friendship. I know that fear comes from the father of lies – the devil but I am no longer a slave to fear. I have not been given the spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. It’s one of the reasons I started this blog and I can’t believe it took me so long to remember.

I’m taking steps to becoming better. I’m active in the group chat, I tell them how much I love them, and yes, I even post them on social media (which is basically like introducing your boyfriend to your parents tbh).

I obviously still sometimes have those doubts kick in but I’ve decided to be optimistic and go with the ride. If I come crashing again… well you’ll be the first to find out.