It’s been a while since I’ve talked to you. I’m not even going to sit here and lie – it was intentional. I was running away because I was embarrassed. I’m not the same person you met and I didn’t want you to see this part of me. However, I feel like I’m accountable to you as I have shared some parts of my journey with you, so I’m back to let you in.
The last time we spoke I told you my stance about showing love and being vulnerable. I said I had found a balance and everything was going to be finally perfect and yadiyadiya. Well, it turns out I tipped the scale. The girl who preached to be kind, loving, forgiving, honest and open is MIA.
At this moment, I wouldn’t call myself good – in all honesty. If I saw someone dying of thirst on the street, I’d think about it for a hot minute before I extended my help; even if I had 10 bottles of water.
‘Wow Bold-ish, that’s pure evil’
Yeah I know. I go to bed disgusted at what I have become daily.
But as from today, I am fighting to be good again. I’ll remind myself that I am called to love as Jesus loved; to be patient, kind and not self-seeking – this one snuck up on me. I have become so focused on what’s good for me and me alone. Not caring who gets less because ‘If I don’t ride/stand up for me, who will’ (#dettol – am I right? jk).
I will learn to love again, using the ultimate example of Jesus who literally died for people who hated and hurt him. He knew I’d hurt him a million times over but He still chose to do it. And you know what, maybe I’m just built for love; specially built to ‘choke people with affection’ – like someone said to me. Maybe I was made to be there when someone needs a listening ear, to be a safe place for people. Maybe I’m called to be absolutely good; not given a chance to pick and choose the time or the people. Maybe it’s okay that people will take my niceness for granted, it’s okay that I might be stepped on. This road wasn’t meant to be easy and I’d rather be that free girl I once knew. The one who saw the best in people and wasn’t afraid to reel them in.
So yes, I will be better. The first time is realization – check. Next step, here I come!