You know what they say about healing. You gotta dig deep, pull out the mush, lay it bare and let it hit you. You pause, cry it out and stand back up. It's only then that the battle can begin. But what if you don’t get up. What if the baggage is so heavy, it crushes you. Leaving you paralyzed and incapable of recovering. All the memories that you fought so hard to forget - All up in your face. And you’re too weak to fight them - Too broken to walk away. The heartbreaks from your parents failed attempt at raising you, The death of your grandpa when you were a child - When you walked in and saw his lifeless body with cotton wool stuffed in his ears and nostrils. Your warped first introduction to sex The betrayals in friendships that happened time after time The times you were silenced and had no voice to speak The time that silence made you lose the most important part of you. --- On the other hand, What if you’re strong enough? What if you come out of this battle With the head of your attacker Swinging from your fingers. What if you learn to love again And you learn to trust again What if the right people come to you And you bare your souls to each other What if you find that safe haven you’ve always wanted And you speak with confidence and walk with you head high. What if you find the answers to your questions and a balm for the cracks in your heart What if you become whole again And life's colours become vibrant - a change from the dull faded lenses you're used to. What if you can conquer the fear? But what if you don't? Is it worth it? To ring up past memories and trauma and lay them in front of you Isn't it better to have it stay tucked in and try your hardest to dodge the trigger bullets They are all neatly folded into mind cabinets anyway. Surely, to unfold will be a fool's errand.
You've been set free
But remember to resist the devil
because he always comes back
and if he finds you empty,
he will invite his friends
and they will set up shop.
they will build with wood
instead of twigs and leaves
making it harder for you to rid them.
Guard your heart
after you have been set free
lest the devil make you his playground.
Seek your Lord and hide in Him.
For the war you fight is spiritual
If there was anytime you needed the word
it's now. So attack.
With the double-edged sword.
I’m currently on a devotional plan called ‘Dangerous Prayers’
It was going well until this morning when I hit a prayer I couldn’t bring myself to pray.
I struggled and struggled and ended up telling God to give me some time. ‘Let’s come back to this one’, I said. ‘I don’t think I’m quite ready for that’.
Now whilst speaking to God. I began to wonder.
Why am I so afraid to have God break me?
I mean, God says he wants the best for me. He is GOOD. Yes?
So why am I afraid of getting hurt or disadvantaged?
The bible says would a father give a stone when his child asks for bread? How much more God in Heaven?
I asked God to help me trust Him more because surely that is the root.
God is not wicked. Even when things don’t go my way, I should understand that God’s plans for me are of good and not evil.
I should be willing and able to utterly trust; leaving everything for this Being. Allowing him to break me and trusting he will build back.
I hope I’m able to say this prayer soon.
Till then, stay safe x
Also, yes, no salutations today because the world is shaking atm and you’ll just lie that you’re okay.
Long time no chat.
I hope you’re treating yourself nicely, eating your greens, staying fit… you know, all the good good things I’m definitely not doing for myself.
Last time I told you my struggle with sex and all the holes my mind was jumping through to validate it.
Well, I found my answer. I found it a couple of months back tbh but I forgot to let you know.
The simple answers are self-discipline and self-control. One of the fruits of the Spirit actually.
Yes I can do anything I want but not all things are good for me – rekkeeeeee!!! Somebody open your bible to 1 Corinthians 10:23
LMAO! I’m sorry. Back to business.
I want to be able to control my body you know, be the boss of myself and not a slave to my body. And that’s where discipline comes in. By controlling that part of me, I’m training my mind and body for other aspects of my life that need discipline and perseverance too.
Totally off topic, but I dreamt of mama through the night. I was hugging her so tightly and crying. When she noticed my tears and asked why, I told her ‘I’m just so happy you’re here’
Yes Jesus, more dreams like this. I know I cried to you to stop the dreams that time. But I think I’m healing well now.
I’ll gladly take me hugging her in my dreams than none at all.
Also, thank you Jesus for showing yourself this year. You are the most precious thing to me. It’s me and You till I die and for eternity.
Don’t ask me why I named this note that. It just seemed really weird having a title with the word ‘virginity’ in it. What could I have named it?
- Virginity Talk?
- to pop or not to pop?
- Can you do a split in the middle(thank you Naira Marley)?
Anyway, moving far away from that. I have never really felt a struggle to not have sex. It was pretty straight forward to me – not happening till the second week of marriage (you know, give the extra week to be sure I’m truly married. LOL).
This year though? My oh my. I mean, I just have to blame it on my hormones because I’m not sure if it’s because I’m meeting new people and suddenly have many more options or my sudden boost in boldness. I’m not exactly sure I understand what is going on.
Actually, I have a small idea.
I don’t believe in the things that kept me from sex anymore or I have found loopholes around them.
- The fear of pregnancy – condoms and pills (I hate pills and would absolutely forget to take them so maybe this should be it tbh)
- STDs? – condoms
- borderline terror of God – I don’t view God as a monster or slave master anymore
- soul ties – I am not sure I believe in it.
- reputation? – I’ve never really been one to care about what people think but it’s worse now.
- Getting attached to people re: soul ties
- It’s a sin – girl, you be cussing and doing a whole lot of other things so why is this different?
- Bonus point – I truly believe virginity is a social construct. Why should I suddenly be seen differently because a penis was in me? There is a 100% chance my hymen – if was ever going to ‘break’ did that in my multiple years of riding bicycles and horses. So yeah. Invalid!
I was speaking to one of my friend groups about it (the ones that have probably damned me to hell with the things I bring up). I explained how I didn’t have a ‘why’ for abstaining anymore.
Literally everyone – well almost everyone is having sex and still flourishing. In fact, doing better than I am, so kini izzue?
They brought up a couple of valid points against it but my brain obviously countered them. They advised that I needed to find my own reason to actually pursue ‘righteousness’.
I don’t know if I’ve found that reason yet but I did see something that made me laugh out loud recently on Zikokomag. Again, if you have not checked them out, why not? Anyway, that’s the link below. No need to thank me.
Number 9 – ‘…My married friends say sex slaps sweeter when you are not constantly thinking of burning in hell after. I want to experience that.’
Back to blaming biology and science in general, does this get worse with age?
Let me know your thoughts in the comments please.
P.S. I am not sponsored by Zikoko. I genuinely love their work.
I'd like to think you're dancing in Heaven With the Angels spraying you dollars as you sing heavenly songs of praise to the Father Happy Birthday my lover. Always and forever, Your baby.
I have commitment issues. You probably already picked up on it from my posts but I only realized this a couple of months ago when I met new people. I found it extremely difficult to let them into my life and build a relationship with them.
Through self-reflection and borderline tearing myself down, I linked this to the broken relationships I’ve had – I don’t think I healed in a healthy way.
These new people seemed like genuine people who just wanted to share the love of the father with me with no strings attached but I couldn’t shake off the feeling that it would all burst in my face.
I now realize that the feeling was fear. It crippled me so that I was unable to love with all of my body and mind, thereby robbing them of my value and myself of a good friendship. I know that fear comes from the father of lies – the devil but I am no longer a slave to fear. I have not been given the spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. It’s one of the reasons I started this blog and I can’t believe it took me so long to remember.
I’m taking steps to becoming better. I’m active in the group chat, I tell them how much I love them, and yes, I even post them on social media (which is basically like introducing your boyfriend to your parents tbh).
I obviously still sometimes have those doubts kick in but I’ve decided to be optimistic and go with the ride. If I come crashing again… well you’ll be the first to find out.
Look at me being consistent. I’ll wait for the applause.
I have something interesting to share with you. Remember when I told you that my faith was on the rocks (no, no alcohol jokes here lol)?
Two weeks ago, a man who was evangelizing walked up to me and handed me a pamphlet. ‘Do you believe in God?’ ‘Do you believe in life after death (heaven)?’ I answered yes to all his questions but knew I was lying to myself – a little Pinocchio.
It was a weird, scary feeling. My mind ran in circles. ‘Are you leaving God now?… you’re atheist after all these years? Are you willing to take this risk?’ And lastly, ‘are you crazy?’.
Strange things have happened these past few weeks. I’ll tell you about two. They’re both food related but I promise I’m not a glutton.
1. Jollof Rice: I had the most intense craving for jollof rice and I couldn’t find a place with good reputation to order from. With my history of cooking the particular dish, I decided the 20% chance of making inedible food wasn’t worth it so I tweeted a prayer for God to provide it. Now, I didn’t put my mind to it. I wasn’t expecting an answer at all. It was just an innocent tweet but my aunty came back that evening and offered – without being asked, to make – you guessed it – JOLLOF RICEEEEEE!
You’re probably thinking ‘Deb, have you heard of coincidences?’ I have, yes but let me give you another instance.
2. Doughnuts: About three days ago, I was laying in bed, on the phone with my friend and I repeatedly told them I was dying to eat doughnuts but I didn’t want to walk outside and the doughnut shop didn’t deliver. I tweeted that God should provide doughnuts the same way he provided the rice. And He did LOL! The next day, my coworker got me doughnuts unprovoked.
It’s the little things that tell me that there’s still a God. Okay one bonus one before I let you go. I was going to go rogue and then I got a text with a bible verse warning against it. I laughed so hard like I get it God, I wouldn’t dabble in it.
There are hints around me everyday. It’s also very nice to know that God is actively trying to get me back after all my disbelief and flat out disregard for Him.
WHEW! Finally! I feel like most of my personal blogs here are of me beating myself down and picking apart all the things I feel are wrong with me and my life in general. We are going to step away from that today and give myself credit for the amazingly good job I’ve been doing lately.
First off, HAPPY NEW YEARRRRRR!!! *insert dancing and party popper emojis*
How’s your year been so far? Did you make any resolutions? Are you keeping them? Best believe I’m giving you the side eye if you have broken them. Like, can you get it together? It’s only been 18 days bro (jk, I’m with you. I was back to pop two days into the year).
This year has been great but let’s go back just a little bit because will it really be Bold-ish if I don’t overshare the less fancy part of my life? – not like it’s usually fancy.
Okay, so the ending of 2019 was a bit rough (cue uncomfortable chuckle). In fact, let me tell you how the first seconds of my 2020 were. When the countdown ended and everyone around me hugged and kissed each other, I plopped down and burst into tears. I didn’t think I’d make it. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to make it to the new year.
The -ember months felt like shit. In fact, July felt like shit too and so did August. Life was just hitting me back-to-back you know – gbas gbos. I went into a hole and stopped responding to texts. I didn’t return phone calls and actively stayed away from people who kept me grounded. So as expected, I started to misbehave. Looking back I’m SHOOK at what I was dabbling in. Best believe I’m never speaking of it LOL. It died with 2019 please. Isaiah 43:18 ‘Forget the former things, don’t dwell on the past’. Hallelujah? Amen.
Moving forward as quickly as possible before the embarrassment hits, this new year has been incredible. I feel lighter, happier, healthier and more organized. I have found myself dancing on the streets again, reaching out to friends and family and inserting myself back into the community. Parts of my life are coming together. I’m still struggling with my faith but God and I are working it out. It’s all good.
I plan to write more this year; longer fictional stories (guys, I wrote novels in the past), more verses – you guys seem to love them, and of course, overshare my life and hopefully insert more of my wins.
Your girl is THRIVING now sha. I’m walking on sunshine and it really does feel good! I see the light at the end of the tunnel, brighter than ever. This life is beautiful and as BayoBond says, ‘this life is for the living and we go live am DIE!’
Here’s to 2020 and all the beautiful moments waiting to happen. Cheers to a healthy mental state, great food, great conversations, and cheers to my friends who didn’t give up on me when I went silent. Cheers to you, yes you, for keeping this place safe for me to pour my heart out.
To a year filled with so much love, vulnerability and healthy relationships.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I did say I’d love you forever
but forever ended the day you
raised your hand and left a bruise.
That day, you died to me.
I didn’t see it coming
I’ll give you that
You lasted a long time
under those sheep clothes
You’ve been stripped, Arthur
there’s no longer a veil
of majesty in your presence.
Just the weak frame of a
lying man. A fraud.