I'd like to think you're dancing in Heaven With the Angels spraying you dollars as you sing heavenly songs of praise to the Father Happy Birthday my lover. Always and forever, Your baby.
I have commitment issues. You probably already picked up on it from my posts but I only realized this a couple of months ago when I met new people. I found it extremely difficult to let them into my life and build a relationship with them.
Through self-reflection and borderline tearing myself down, I linked this to the broken relationships I’ve had – I don’t think I healed in a healthy way.
These new people seemed like genuine people who just wanted to share the love of the father with me with no strings attached but I couldn’t shake off the feeling that it would all burst in my face.
I now realize that the feeling was fear. It crippled me so that I was unable to love with all of my body and mind, thereby robbing them of my value and myself of a good friendship. I know that fear comes from the father of lies – the devil but I am no longer a slave to fear. I have not been given the spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. It’s one of the reasons I started this blog and I can’t believe it took me so long to remember.
I’m taking steps to becoming better. I’m active in the group chat, I tell them how much I love them, and yes, I even post them on social media (which is basically like introducing your boyfriend to your parents tbh).
I obviously still sometimes have those doubts kick in but I’ve decided to be optimistic and go with the ride. If I come crashing again… well you’ll be the first to find out.
Look at me being consistent. I’ll wait for the applause.
I have something interesting to share with you. Remember when I told you that my faith was on the rocks (no, no alcohol jokes here lol)?
Two weeks ago, a man who was evangelizing walked up to me and handed me a pamphlet. ‘Do you believe in God?’ ‘Do you believe in life after death (heaven)?’ I answered yes to all his questions but knew I was lying to myself – a little Pinocchio.
It was a weird, scary feeling. My mind ran in circles. ‘Are you leaving God now?… you’re atheist after all these years? Are you willing to take this risk?’ And lastly, ‘are you crazy?’.
Strange things have happened these past few weeks. I’ll tell you about two. They’re both food related but I promise I’m not a glutton.
1. Jollof Rice: I had the most intense craving for jollof rice and I couldn’t find a place with good reputation to order from. With my history of cooking the particular dish, I decided the 20% chance of making inedible food wasn’t worth it so I tweeted a prayer for God to provide it. Now, I didn’t put my mind to it. I wasn’t expecting an answer at all. It was just an innocent tweet but my aunty came back that evening and offered – without being asked, to make – you guessed it – JOLLOF RICEEEEEE!
You’re probably thinking ‘Deb, have you heard of coincidences?’ I have, yes but let me give you another instance.
2. Doughnuts: About three days ago, I was laying in bed, on the phone with my friend and I repeatedly told them I was dying to eat doughnuts but I didn’t want to walk outside and the doughnut shop didn’t deliver. I tweeted that God should provide doughnuts the same way he provided the rice. And He did LOL! The next day, my coworker got me doughnuts unprovoked.
It’s the little things that tell me that there’s still a God. Okay one bonus one before I let you go. I was going to go rogue and then I got a text with a bible verse warning against it. I laughed so hard like I get it God, I wouldn’t dabble in it.
There are hints around me everyday. It’s also very nice to know that God is actively trying to get me back after all my disbelief and flat out disregard for Him.
WHEW! Finally! I feel like most of my personal blogs here are of me beating myself down and picking apart all the things I feel are wrong with me and my life in general. We are going to step away from that today and give myself credit for the amazingly good job I’ve been doing lately.
First off, HAPPY NEW YEARRRRRR!!! *insert dancing and party popper emojis*
How’s your year been so far? Did you make any resolutions? Are you keeping them? Best believe I’m giving you the side eye if you have broken them. Like, can you get it together? It’s only been 18 days bro (jk, I’m with you. I was back to pop two days into the year).
This year has been great but let’s go back just a little bit because will it really be Bold-ish if I don’t overshare the less fancy part of my life? – not like it’s usually fancy.
Okay, so the ending of 2019 was a bit rough (cue uncomfortable chuckle). In fact, let me tell you how the first seconds of my 2020 were. When the countdown ended and everyone around me hugged and kissed each other, I plopped down and burst into tears. I didn’t think I’d make it. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to make it to the new year.
The -ember months felt like shit. In fact, July felt like shit too and so did August. Life was just hitting me back-to-back you know – gbas gbos. I went into a hole and stopped responding to texts. I didn’t return phone calls and actively stayed away from people who kept me grounded. So as expected, I started to misbehave. Looking back I’m SHOOK at what I was dabbling in. Best believe I’m never speaking of it LOL. It died with 2019 please. Isaiah 43:18 ‘Forget the former things, don’t dwell on the past’. Hallelujah? Amen.
Moving forward as quickly as possible before the embarrassment hits, this new year has been incredible. I feel lighter, happier, healthier and more organized. I have found myself dancing on the streets again, reaching out to friends and family and inserting myself back into the community. Parts of my life are coming together. I’m still struggling with my faith but God and I are working it out. It’s all good.
I plan to write more this year; longer fictional stories (guys, I wrote novels in the past), more verses – you guys seem to love them, and of course, overshare my life and hopefully insert more of my wins.
Your girl is THRIVING now sha. I’m walking on sunshine and it really does feel good! I see the light at the end of the tunnel, brighter than ever. This life is beautiful and as BayoBond says, ‘this life is for the living and we go live am DIE!’
Here’s to 2020 and all the beautiful moments waiting to happen. Cheers to a healthy mental state, great food, great conversations, and cheers to my friends who didn’t give up on me when I went silent. Cheers to you, yes you, for keeping this place safe for me to pour my heart out.
To a year filled with so much love, vulnerability and healthy relationships.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I did say I’d love you forever
but forever ended the day you
raised your hand and left a bruise.
That day, you died to me.
I didn’t see it coming
I’ll give you that
You lasted a long time
under those sheep clothes
You’ve been stripped, Arthur
there’s no longer a veil
of majesty in your presence.
Just the weak frame of a
lying man. A fraud.
Woke up to terrible news.
Suicide in the building across mine.
While I slept, someone succumbed to their thoughts and jumped to their end.
It’s scary how much power the mind has and the things we are capable of. The fact that one can give into those thoughts of inadequacy, self-hatred and the lies that the enemy throws at them and in one second, make a decision that has no back button is truly horrifying.
I have been in a rut recently. A dark, heavy cloud has been on me and my mind has been foggy. I have had terrible things seep in and sometimes nothing at all. I think that’s why the news hit hard. It could have been me. It could have been me on the news and people would have talked like they understood what I was going through. ‘Ah, we need more people who listen…we need more counsellors…Check up on your friends… Speak out please… don’t let social media pressure you…’ In fact, some would have flat out called me an ungrateful little brat because ‘people are going through worse‘ and therefore my feelings were invalid. And the really ignorant ones would have told my friends and family ‘ah, do you know she’s going to hell?… I thought she was a Christian… I hope she asked for forgiveness… Ah, what a waste.‘
How do we win this battle with our thoughts – apart from affirmations and speaking to people because I think, for the most part, we all know that but at that moment in time it doesn’t click. I have so much more to say. So many questions – about the mind, friendships, science, life and God. I want to tell you about how scared of myself I am majority of the time but I’m tired and worn out.
There’s this online magazine I read called Zikoko. I don’t think I can hype it up enough. It makes me laugh and cry and sometimes, the quizzes make me feel like the writers dabble in black magic because of how accurate the answers are for me.
This morning, I read something that made me very uncomfortable on their new segment where Nigerian young adults talk about their sex life – the good, the bad, the funny and the surprising. It’s called SexLife by the way in case you want to check it out.
I’m not going into details so read it yourself. Anyway anonymous tells us that his first encounter with a professional was not the greatest because they asked if he had ‘tried Jesus’.
TRIED JESUS! TRIED JESUS?
Hold your horses. While I am a firm believer in the power of Christ and his ability to set ‘captives’ free, I also believe in professionalism in the work place.
‘But Deb, the things of the spirit don’t make sense to the canal minded. We need to evangelize any and everywhere. Your church personality shouldn’t be different from your work personality…’
Okay why did this professional go to school to learn psychology or whatever they studied? Why didn’t they just go to bible school and sit in the church to pray for those who came WILLINGLY and asked for it? I mean if they aren’t going to use the professional methods to help others then what is the use?
I just think that if I go to a professional to speak about things going on in my life, that’s what I want to get. Do you understand me? Of course I know there is a God. I know about Jesus and prayer but I didn’t give you my hard earned money to ask me if I’ve tried Jesus.
Maybe after my session, when you have listened to me and realized I’m open to talking about Christ and prayer you can then bring it up. Like my mother used to say ‘kini gbogbo frapapa yen na’ (loosely translates to ‘what is all that rubbish’).
Let me know your thoughts on this please. Maybe my thought process is wrong.
Also don’t forget to check out Zikoko Magazine because they make my days better.