The doctor gave me stronger puffers today He says that there's still a strain in my chest That strain is from missing you, my love missing the sounds of your laughter. Those random breathless moments are from missing your heartwarming hugs the sporadic moments of pain - a way of letting me know it never fully healed The doctor gave me steroids he doesn't know that all my heart needs is you.
I’d be the first to let you know that I haven’t really dealt with the death of my mother. I have buried it deep down and haven’t come to terms with it.
I honestly haven’t cried that I lost her.
I’ve cried that she didn’t get to see my husband and tease him, cried that my children wouldn’t be able to receive her kisses and unending love, cried for the people that depended on her, cried that I couldn’t save her.
But not once have I cried that the only person I have loved with all of my heart is no longer here with me. That I would no longer have air kiss competitions after she told me she loved me at the end of our phone conversations. I haven’t cried that I wouldn’t hear her call me ‘pretty babe’ while caressing my face or take a jab at my small bum and squeeze it.(more…)
The back pains started again yesterday.
It was a sad day.
If this happened last year, I’d have comforted myself in the fact that my mother would be back soon to give me her healing back rubs.
“Just a few more months. Be patient”
There was nothing to comfort myself in yesterday. Knowing that I’d never feel her tender, yet firm hands kneading my back and sharing in my pain with her words.
But I’m comforted in the fact that there’s a God who loves me more than my mum could have ever been capable of. So he’ll give me those back rubs when I need them. He’d not only share my pain, but he’d also take them away completely.
I have to learn to trust in his love and realize that he’s enough for me.
“Onidi gan lebe,” she squeezed my bum. “I’m just joking. O de rerin”
I forced a small chuckle. She was too much sometimes, but I loved her anyway.
Tribute to a mother.
Most times, I don’t have the words to explain who my mother was. It’s really hard to condense her whole being and the different sides of her I got to experience into a few sentences. But I will try.
I’ll share a story with you. A moment I keep very dearly in my heart.