You know what they say about healing. You gotta dig deep, pull out the mush, lay it bare and let it hit you. You pause, cry it out and stand back up. It's only then that the battle can begin. But what if you don’t get up. What if the baggage is so heavy, it crushes you. Leaving you paralyzed and incapable of recovering. All the memories that you fought so hard to forget - All up in your face. And you’re too weak to fight them - Too broken to walk away. The heartbreaks from your parents failed attempt at raising you, The death of your grandpa when you were a child - When you walked in and saw his lifeless body with cotton wool stuffed in his ears and nostrils. Your warped first introduction to sex The betrayals in friendships that happened time after time The times you were silenced and had no voice to speak The time that silence made you lose the most important part of you. --- On the other hand, What if you’re strong enough? What if you come out of this battle With the head of your attacker Swinging from your fingers. What if you learn to love again And you learn to trust again What if the right people come to you And you bare your souls to each other What if you find that safe haven you’ve always wanted And you speak with confidence and walk with you head high. What if you find the answers to your questions and a balm for the cracks in your heart What if you become whole again And life's colours become vibrant - a change from the dull faded lenses you're used to. What if you can conquer the fear? But what if you don't? Is it worth it? To ring up past memories and trauma and lay them in front of you Isn't it better to have it stay tucked in and try your hardest to dodge the trigger bullets They are all neatly folded into mind cabinets anyway. Surely, to unfold will be a fool's errand.
You've been set free
But remember to resist the devil
because he always comes back
and if he finds you empty,
he will invite his friends
and they will set up shop.
they will build with wood
instead of twigs and leaves
making it harder for you to rid them.
Guard your heart
after you have been set free
lest the devil make you his playground.
Seek your Lord and hide in Him.
For the war you fight is spiritual
If there was anytime you needed the word
it's now. So attack.
With the double-edged sword.
Don’t ask me why I named this note that. It just seemed really weird having a title with the word ‘virginity’ in it. What could I have named it?
- Virginity Talk?
- to pop or not to pop?
- Can you do a split in the middle(thank you Naira Marley)?
Anyway, moving far away from that. I have never really felt a struggle to not have sex. It was pretty straight forward to me – not happening till the second week of marriage (you know, give the extra week to be sure I’m truly married. LOL).
This year though? My oh my. I mean, I just have to blame it on my hormones because I’m not sure if it’s because I’m meeting new people and suddenly have many more options or my sudden boost in boldness. I’m not exactly sure I understand what is going on.
Actually, I have a small idea.
I don’t believe in the things that kept me from sex anymore or I have found loopholes around them.
- The fear of pregnancy – condoms and pills (I hate pills and would absolutely forget to take them so maybe this should be it tbh)
- STDs? – condoms
- borderline terror of God – I don’t view God as a monster or slave master anymore
- soul ties – I am not sure I believe in it.
- reputation? – I’ve never really been one to care about what people think but it’s worse now.
- Getting attached to people re: soul ties
- It’s a sin – girl, you be cussing and doing a whole lot of other things so why is this different?
- Bonus point – I truly believe virginity is a social construct. Why should I suddenly be seen differently because a penis was in me? There is a 100% chance my hymen – if was ever going to ‘break’ did that in my multiple years of riding bicycles and horses. So yeah. Invalid!
I was speaking to one of my friend groups about it (the ones that have probably damned me to hell with the things I bring up). I explained how I didn’t have a ‘why’ for abstaining anymore.
Literally everyone – well almost everyone is having sex and still flourishing. In fact, doing better than I am, so kini izzue?
They brought up a couple of valid points against it but my brain obviously countered them. They advised that I needed to find my own reason to actually pursue ‘righteousness’.
I don’t know if I’ve found that reason yet but I did see something that made me laugh out loud recently on Zikokomag. Again, if you have not checked them out, why not? Anyway, that’s the link below. No need to thank me.
Number 9 – ‘…My married friends say sex slaps sweeter when you are not constantly thinking of burning in hell after. I want to experience that.’
Back to blaming biology and science in general, does this get worse with age?
Let me know your thoughts in the comments please.
P.S. I am not sponsored by Zikoko. I genuinely love their work.
Look at me being consistent. I’ll wait for the applause.
I have something interesting to share with you. Remember when I told you that my faith was on the rocks (no, no alcohol jokes here lol)?
Two weeks ago, a man who was evangelizing walked up to me and handed me a pamphlet. ‘Do you believe in God?’ ‘Do you believe in life after death (heaven)?’ I answered yes to all his questions but knew I was lying to myself – a little Pinocchio.
It was a weird, scary feeling. My mind ran in circles. ‘Are you leaving God now?… you’re atheist after all these years? Are you willing to take this risk?’ And lastly, ‘are you crazy?’.
Strange things have happened these past few weeks. I’ll tell you about two. They’re both food related but I promise I’m not a glutton.
1. Jollof Rice: I had the most intense craving for jollof rice and I couldn’t find a place with good reputation to order from. With my history of cooking the particular dish, I decided the 20% chance of making inedible food wasn’t worth it so I tweeted a prayer for God to provide it. Now, I didn’t put my mind to it. I wasn’t expecting an answer at all. It was just an innocent tweet but my aunty came back that evening and offered – without being asked, to make – you guessed it – JOLLOF RICEEEEEE!
You’re probably thinking ‘Deb, have you heard of coincidences?’ I have, yes but let me give you another instance.
2. Doughnuts: About three days ago, I was laying in bed, on the phone with my friend and I repeatedly told them I was dying to eat doughnuts but I didn’t want to walk outside and the doughnut shop didn’t deliver. I tweeted that God should provide doughnuts the same way he provided the rice. And He did LOL! The next day, my coworker got me doughnuts unprovoked.
It’s the little things that tell me that there’s still a God. Okay one bonus one before I let you go. I was going to go rogue and then I got a text with a bible verse warning against it. I laughed so hard like I get it God, I wouldn’t dabble in it.
There are hints around me everyday. It’s also very nice to know that God is actively trying to get me back after all my disbelief and flat out disregard for Him.
WHEW! Finally! I feel like most of my personal blogs here are of me beating myself down and picking apart all the things I feel are wrong with me and my life in general. We are going to step away from that today and give myself credit for the amazingly good job I’ve been doing lately.
First off, HAPPY NEW YEARRRRRR!!! *insert dancing and party popper emojis*
How’s your year been so far? Did you make any resolutions? Are you keeping them? Best believe I’m giving you the side eye if you have broken them. Like, can you get it together? It’s only been 18 days bro (jk, I’m with you. I was back to pop two days into the year).
This year has been great but let’s go back just a little bit because will it really be Bold-ish if I don’t overshare the less fancy part of my life? – not like it’s usually fancy.
Okay, so the ending of 2019 was a bit rough (cue uncomfortable chuckle). In fact, let me tell you how the first seconds of my 2020 were. When the countdown ended and everyone around me hugged and kissed each other, I plopped down and burst into tears. I didn’t think I’d make it. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to make it to the new year.
The -ember months felt like shit. In fact, July felt like shit too and so did August. Life was just hitting me back-to-back you know – gbas gbos. I went into a hole and stopped responding to texts. I didn’t return phone calls and actively stayed away from people who kept me grounded. So as expected, I started to misbehave. Looking back I’m SHOOK at what I was dabbling in. Best believe I’m never speaking of it LOL. It died with 2019 please. Isaiah 43:18 ‘Forget the former things, don’t dwell on the past’. Hallelujah? Amen.
Moving forward as quickly as possible before the embarrassment hits, this new year has been incredible. I feel lighter, happier, healthier and more organized. I have found myself dancing on the streets again, reaching out to friends and family and inserting myself back into the community. Parts of my life are coming together. I’m still struggling with my faith but God and I are working it out. It’s all good.
I plan to write more this year; longer fictional stories (guys, I wrote novels in the past), more verses – you guys seem to love them, and of course, overshare my life and hopefully insert more of my wins.
Your girl is THRIVING now sha. I’m walking on sunshine and it really does feel good! I see the light at the end of the tunnel, brighter than ever. This life is beautiful and as BayoBond says, ‘this life is for the living and we go live am DIE!’
Here’s to 2020 and all the beautiful moments waiting to happen. Cheers to a healthy mental state, great food, great conversations, and cheers to my friends who didn’t give up on me when I went silent. Cheers to you, yes you, for keeping this place safe for me to pour my heart out.
To a year filled with so much love, vulnerability and healthy relationships.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
There’s this online magazine I read called Zikoko. I don’t think I can hype it up enough. It makes me laugh and cry and sometimes, the quizzes make me feel like the writers dabble in black magic because of how accurate the answers are for me.
This morning, I read something that made me very uncomfortable on their new segment where Nigerian young adults talk about their sex life – the good, the bad, the funny and the surprising. It’s called SexLife by the way in case you want to check it out.
I’m not going into details so read it yourself. Anyway anonymous tells us that his first encounter with a professional was not the greatest because they asked if he had ‘tried Jesus’.
TRIED JESUS! TRIED JESUS?
Hold your horses. While I am a firm believer in the power of Christ and his ability to set ‘captives’ free, I also believe in professionalism in the work place.
‘But Deb, the things of the spirit don’t make sense to the canal minded. We need to evangelize any and everywhere. Your church personality shouldn’t be different from your work personality…’
Okay why did this professional go to school to learn psychology or whatever they studied? Why didn’t they just go to bible school and sit in the church to pray for those who came WILLINGLY and asked for it? I mean if they aren’t going to use the professional methods to help others then what is the use?
I just think that if I go to a professional to speak about things going on in my life, that’s what I want to get. Do you understand me? Of course I know there is a God. I know about Jesus and prayer but I didn’t give you my hard earned money to ask me if I’ve tried Jesus.
Maybe after my session, when you have listened to me and realized I’m open to talking about Christ and prayer you can then bring it up. Like my mother used to say ‘kini gbogbo frapapa yen na’ (loosely translates to ‘what is all that rubbish’).
Let me know your thoughts on this please. Maybe my thought process is wrong.
Also don’t forget to check out Zikoko Magazine because they make my days better.
Let’s talk about lust, shall we?
No one really talks about the sin of lust anymore. It’s so normal in this generation. In fact, if you google it, you’d see articles telling you how lust can boost your immune system or increase your life span.
As a young child, whenever I saw someone I found attractive, I would look away immediately and ask God to forgive me for lustful thoughts. I didn’t want any smoke (quite literally – hell, but also from God). Thinking about it makes me laugh. If I could go back, I’d tell younger me to calm down because God wasn’t going to strike her for thinking Tolani had nice eyes.Continue reading “Lust.”
It’s been a while since I’ve talked to you. I’m not even going to sit here and lie – it was intentional. I was running away because I was embarrassed. I’m not the same person you met and I didn’t want you to see this part of me. However, I feel like I’m accountable to you as I have shared some parts of my journey with you, so I’m back to let you in.
The last time we spoke I told you my stance about showing love and being vulnerable. I said I had found a balance and everything was going to be finally perfect and yadiyadiya. Well, it turns out I tipped the scale. The girl who preached to be kind, loving, forgiving, honest and open is MIA.Continue reading “Built for love.”
One last embrace
One last smell of your sweet smelling perfume
One last kiss on the softest of lips
Before your heart stops
As I hold your head
Rocking to the music we first danced to.
As I catch your last breathe,
And see your eyes open
With that famous crooked smile
One last time.
One last touch
One last hope
One last chance
To say 'I love you'
Before your soul leaves
And I'm left with only what held your essence
And a shattered heart.
Do you remember the promises -
the ones we made as we lay
counting the squares on my ceiling?
Do you remember the words you spoke -
the ones that were so gentle
and soft it made my ears tingle?
Do you remember the tears -
the ones that we shed because our love
was too intense for us to handle
Do you remember the day -
the one where I left
in hope of greener pastures
I remember those moments -
the ones where I'm happy
and without worries
I like me better when I'm with you
When my heart is close to yours
and I can feel its rhythm with ease.