On Trauma and Healing

You know what they say about healing. 
You gotta dig deep, pull out the mush,
lay it bare and let it hit you.
You pause, cry it out and stand back up.
It's only then that the battle can begin.

But what if you don’t get up.
What if the baggage is so heavy, it crushes you.
Leaving you paralyzed and incapable of recovering.
All the memories that you fought so hard to forget -
All up in your face.
And you’re too weak to fight them - 
Too broken to walk away.

The heartbreaks from your parents failed attempt at raising you,
The death of your grandpa when you were a  child - 
When you walked in and saw his lifeless body with cotton wool stuffed in his ears and nostrils. 
Your warped first introduction to sex
The betrayals in friendships that happened time after time
The times you were silenced and had no voice to speak 
The time that silence made you lose the most important part of you. 
---

On the other hand, 
What if you’re strong enough?
What if you come out of this battle 
With the head of your attacker 
Swinging from your fingers.

What if you learn to love again
And you learn to trust again
What if the right people come to you
And you bare your souls to each other
What if you find that safe haven you’ve always wanted
And you speak with confidence and walk with you head high.

What if you find the answers to your questions 
and a balm for the cracks in your heart
What if you become whole again 
And life's colours become vibrant - 
a change from the dull faded lenses you're used to.
What if you can conquer the fear?

But what if you don't?

Is it worth it?
To ring up past memories and trauma
and lay them in front of you 
Isn't it better to have it stay tucked in
and try your hardest to dodge the trigger bullets 
They are all neatly folded into mind cabinets anyway.
Surely, to unfold will be a fool's errand.

Set Free (Verse).

You've been set free
But remember to resist the devil
because he always comes back
and if he finds you empty,
he will invite his friends
and they will set up shop.
This time,
they will build with wood
instead of twigs and leaves
making it harder for you to rid them.

Guard your heart
after you have been set free
lest the devil make you his playground.
Seek your Lord and hide in Him.
For the war you fight is spiritual
If there was anytime you needed the word
it's now. So attack.
With the double-edged sword.

Final embrace.

One last embrace
One last smell of your sweet smelling perfume
One last kiss on the softest of lips

Before your heart stops
As I hold your head
Rocking to the music we first danced to.

As I catch your last breathe,
And see your eyes open
With that famous crooked smile 


One last time.

One last touch

One last hope 

One last chance


To say 'I love you'
Before your soul leaves 

And I'm left with only what held your essence


And a shattered heart.


	

Better.

Do you remember the promises -
the ones we made as we lay
counting the squares on my ceiling?

Do you remember the words you spoke -
the ones that were so gentle
and soft it made my ears tingle?

Do you remember the tears -
the ones that we shed because our love
was too intense for us to handle

Do you remember the day -
the one where I left
in hope of greener pastures

I remember those moments -
the ones where I'm happy
and without worries

I like me better when I'm with you
When my heart is close to yours
and I can feel its rhythm with ease.

Strains from the inside.

The doctor gave me stronger puffers today
He says that there's still a strain in my chest
That strain is from missing you, my love
missing the sounds of your laughter.

Those random breathless moments are
from missing your heartwarming hugs 
the sporadic moments of pain -
a way of letting me know
it never fully healed

The doctor gave me steroids
he doesn't know that all my heart needs is you.

One with you.

I became one with you
the moment I proclaimed You Lord over me 

I became your heart
the minute you ran towards me 

Somewhere along,
I lost my way; ashamed to find your face

But your love found me
your peace, wrapped around me tightly  

Never in my broken girl's wildest dreams
did I see such a beautiful redemption happening to me.

I am one with you;
because I proclaimed You Lord over me

I found her.

I got a word from my heart.
She whispered,
'Maybe if you stop searching,
you'll find me.'

So I took a break from
certain faces that made me
feel uncomfortable
Certain spaces that made me
feel inadequate
Whatever it took, to find me.

And when I stopped searching -
I found her
waiting for her prodigal part
to return home.

Up again.

I see you building those walls up again
The walls we struggled to pull down
in tears and sweat.

I know it's hard / I know you're hurting
I know you're tired / I know you're drained

But we've come too far / Too damn far to give up.
Stay strong, fighter / put down the bricks
Keep those walls / low and flat

I promise; You, my love
are stronger than you know.

Do you?

When you lay your head
And close your eyes
Do you dream of me?

When you wake up
and see the sunrise
Do you think of me?

When you pick up the camera
and look into the lens
Do you see my face?

Do you see my eyes
Staring into your soul?
Do you see my smile
and the wrinkles on my nose?
Do you notice my dimples
Dig deep and bore holes?

Do you smile back at me 
With your tongue out
And your eyes in a squint?

Or do you try to break our glance 
and realize that I have you locked
and unable to leave?

I love you; I really do
and I'll be damned 
if I let you go this way.

To B