The Answer.

Hey guys!

Long time no chat.

I hope you’re treating yourself nicely, eating your greens, staying fit… you know, all the good good things I’m definitely not doing for myself.

Last time I told you my struggle with sex and all the holes my mind was jumping through to validate it.

Well, I found my answer. I found it a couple of months back tbh but I forgot to let you know.

The simple answers are self-discipline and self-control. One of the fruits of the Spirit actually.

Yes I can do anything I want but not all things are good for me – rekkeeeeee!!! Somebody open your bible to 1 Corinthians 10:23

LMAO! I’m sorry. Back to business.

I want to be able to control my body you know, be the boss of myself and not a slave to my body. And that’s where discipline comes in. By controlling that part of me, I’m training my mind and body for other aspects of my life that need discipline and perseverance too.

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Totally off topic, but I dreamt of mama through the night. I was hugging her so tightly and crying. When she noticed my tears and asked why, I told her ‘I’m just so happy you’re here’

Yes Jesus, more dreams like this. I know I cried to you to stop the dreams that time. But I think I’m healing well now.

I’ll gladly take me hugging her in my dreams than none at all.

Also, thank you Jesus for showing yourself this year. You are the most precious thing to me. It’s me and You till I die and for eternity.

Commitment Woes.

I have commitment issues. You probably already picked up on it from my posts but I only realized this a couple of months ago when I met new people. I found it extremely difficult to let them into my life and build a relationship with them.

Through self-reflection and borderline tearing myself down, I linked this to the broken relationships I’ve had – I don’t think I healed in a healthy way.

These new people seemed like genuine people who just wanted to share the love of the father with me with no strings attached but I couldn’t shake off the feeling that it would all burst in my face.

I now realize that the feeling was fear. It crippled me so that I was unable to love with all of my body and mind, thereby robbing them of my value and myself of a good friendship. I know that fear comes from the father of lies – the devil but I am no longer a slave to fear. I have not been given the spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. It’s one of the reasons I started this blog and I can’t believe it took me so long to remember.

I’m taking steps to becoming better. I’m active in the group chat, I tell them how much I love them, and yes, I even post them on social media (which is basically like introducing your boyfriend to your parents tbh).

I obviously still sometimes have those doubts kick in but I’ve decided to be optimistic and go with the ride. If I come crashing again… well you’ll be the first to find out.

On King Street…

Woke up to terrible news.

Suicide in the building across mine.

While I slept, someone succumbed to their thoughts and jumped to their end.

It’s scary how much power the mind has and the things we are capable of. The fact that one can give into those thoughts of inadequacy, self-hatred and the lies that the enemy throws at them and in one second, make a decision that has no back button is truly horrifying.

I have been in a rut recently. A dark, heavy cloud has been on me and my mind has been foggy. I have had terrible things seep in and sometimes nothing at all. I think that’s why the news hit hard. It could have been me. It could have been me on the news and people would have talked like they understood what I was going through. ‘Ah, we need more people who listen…we need more counsellors…Check up on your friends… Speak out please… don’t let social media pressure you…’ In fact, some would have flat out called me an ungrateful little brat because ‘people are going through worse‘ and therefore my feelings were invalid. And the really ignorant ones would have told my friends and family ‘ah, do you know she’s going to hell?… I thought she was a Christian… I hope she asked for forgiveness… Ah, what a waste.

How do we win this battle with our thoughts – apart from affirmations and speaking to people because I think, for the most part, we all know that but at that moment in time it doesn’t click. I have so much more to say. So many questions – about the mind, friendships, science, life and God. I want to tell you about how scared of myself I am majority of the time but I’m tired and worn out.

Ayonge.

It’s been two years 
Yet I forget how to breathe - sometimes
Everyday is a reminder of how I failed you
On the day you needed me the most.
Ayonge, I will have to live with this burden
all the days of my life
but I'm not complaining
I just hope I am forgiven.

The Other Side of Fear

Let me let you in on a secret – I’m scared of water. It doesn’t matter if I’m knee deep or ankle deep. I just don’t like it.

So when my friend, N, suggested that we add jet skiing to our day trip plans, my immediate answer was a solid “hell to the no”. And I settled for rock climbing instead whilst she went into the water (gotta get these abs popping one way or another yh? LOL).

Don’t ask how I found myself on the passenger seat. I’m not really sure. She really knows how to get me because I went from ‘I would never’ to ‘fine, I’ll come to watch’ to screaming and laughing in the water.

And girl, it was so exciting. The wind, the water, the speed; I had never experienced such wonderfulness. I wasn’t even scared when the waves got really rough. All I saw was the beauty in it. It looked like someone had put a high-speed fan under a light blanket. Absolutely stunning.

We didn’t make it back to land before the heavy rain. Half of my makeup was gone (deffo looked like a clown), and my wig was a mess. That didn’t dampen the mood though. I wiped the rest of the makeup off my face, combed out my natural hair and was ready for the next adventure.

I have tasted and seen (that the Lord is good) the life on the other side of fear and it’s ridiculously exhilarating! There’s no stopping me now. Next stop is jumping out of the plane!

I’m kidding. That’s a hell to the no.

Welcome!

Hello beautiful!

Thank you for listening to the powers that led you to my site. Two years ago, I started this blog to share the madness that goes on in my mind. Unfortunately, I never really finished writing any of the pieces. So here’s another attempt at writing new things and actually posting them on here.  I hope you enjoy reading my very much fictional pieces as much as I enjoy writing them. I value constructive criticism so please let me know how I can improve my writing skills.

Let’s get creative!