It’s been two years
Yet I forget how to breathe - sometimes
Everyday is a reminder of how I failed you
On the day you needed me the most.
Ayonge, I will have to live with this burden
all the days of my life
but I'm not complaining
I just hope I am forgiven.
It’s been a while since I’ve talked to you. I’m not even going to sit here and lie – it was intentional. I was running away because I was embarrassed. I’m not the same person you met and I didn’t want you to see this part of me. However, I feel like I’m accountable to you as I have shared some parts of my journey with you, so I’m back to let you in.
The last time we spoke I told you my stance about showing love and being vulnerable. I said I had found a balance and everything was going to be finally perfect and yadiyadiya. Well, it turns out I tipped the scale. The girl who preached to be kind, loving, forgiving, honest and open is MIA.Continue reading “Built for love.”
Here are the top things I learned in the first three months of the year.
- God is interested in every aspect of your life no matter how minute.
- Fear will cripple you. Tell the devil to keep his useless gift.
- There’s a very thin line between kindness and foolishness.
- Love is not only the expression acceptable to show; express your anger and disappointment too.
- Not everyone should be allowed see you bare and laid down. Guard your space.
- Your eyes disappear and your face is funny when you laugh; but do it anyway.
in every word
you have said over me
that you say I am
in every truth
that your word brings
in your perfect will.
Under your shadow;
behind the cross.
I got a word from my heart.
'Maybe if you stop searching,
you'll find me.'
So I took a break from
certain faces that made me
Certain spaces that made me
Whatever it took, to find me.
And when I stopped searching -
I found her
waiting for her prodigal part
to return home.
I see you building those walls up again
The walls we struggled to pull down
in tears and sweat.
I know it's hard / I know you're hurting
I know you're tired / I know you're drained
But we've come too far / Too damn far to give up.
Stay strong, fighter / put down the bricks
Keep those walls / low and flat
I promise; You, my love
are stronger than you know.
It’s eleven days until the year 2018 ends. Last month, I started writing my last post for the year. I wrote about how the year started rough for me and the roller coaster of emotions I experienced; the fact that I cried more than half of the time and had suicidal moments. But then I switched about halfway through my draft and began to write of how I rose above it all and how I’m a much better person who has learnt to live, to love, to forgive, to grow and learnt to accommodate.
I wrote about my newly found love for hugs and embraces; for the sun and bright colours; for people and their individualities. I wrote about my intentional approach to relationships with people and how my resolve to have open and honest conversations had made me a better person.
But last night, I came crashing down – HARD. I realized that I hadn’t really overcome like I thought I had. All the thoughts and fears I had struggled with for years came rushing back at 2 am, and I panicked. My chest hurt and I suddenly could not breathe. At that moment, I thought I was going to die. Not like it mattered to me.
So maybe I’m not really ‘healed’ or ‘grown’ like I had thought, but I would not sit here and say that there has not been some progress; that would be a lie. I’ve had great days this year, I’ve met great people, explored new places, laughed my butt off and felt a real sense of identity. I even let myself have a little crush – LOL! I know, it’s almost unbelievable that a makanaki like me would fall. Maybe I’ll tell you guys about it one day.
There have been tears; tears that would have probably filled a pool if I kept them. There have been times of distress, discomfort, sickness, pain and near surrender. And as much as I love to be hard on myself, today, I’d like to show a little love to myself. I’ve shown great strength and resilience to the bullshit life has offered me. I’m just here, hoping and praying for complete healing and a higher knowledge of my worth in the next year. If that’s even possible.
Merry Christmas and a happy new year guys! Don’t forget to laugh at serious moments.