Woke up to terrible news.
Suicide in the building across mine.
While I slept, someone succumbed to their thoughts and jumped to their end.
It’s scary how much power the mind has and the things we are capable of. The fact that one can give into those thoughts of inadequacy, self-hatred and the lies that the enemy throws at them and in one second, make a decision that has no back button is truly horrifying.
I have been in a rut recently. A dark, heavy cloud has been on me and my mind has been foggy. I have had terrible things seep in and sometimes nothing at all. I think that’s why the news hit hard. It could have been me. It could have been me on the news and people would have talked like they understood what I was going through. ‘Ah, we need more people who listen…we need more counsellors…Check up on your friends… Speak out please… don’t let social media pressure you…’ In fact, some would have flat out called me an ungrateful little brat because ‘people are going through worse‘ and therefore my feelings were invalid. And the really ignorant ones would have told my friends and family ‘ah, do you know she’s going to hell?… I thought she was a Christian… I hope she asked for forgiveness… Ah, what a waste.‘
How do we win this battle with our thoughts – apart from affirmations and speaking to people because I think, for the most part, we all know that but at that moment in time it doesn’t click. I have so much more to say. So many questions – about the mind, friendships, science, life and God. I want to tell you about how scared of myself I am majority of the time but I’m tired and worn out.
One last embrace
One last smell of your sweet smelling perfume
One last kiss on the softest of lips
Before your heart stops
As I hold your head
Rocking to the music we first danced to.
As I catch your last breathe,
And see your eyes open
With that famous crooked smile
One last time.
One last touch
One last hope
One last chance
To say 'I love you'
Before your soul leaves
And I'm left with only what held your essence
And a shattered heart.
Does it hurt to die?
When the soul leaves the body
does it slowly drag
in a gruesome manner;
allowing the body to experience
an unbearable pain
For the last time
Just for the fun of it?
Or does it leave
in one swoop;
so fast that the body
doesn't even notice
that it's been left alone
With no life to continue?
The day the mechanic died, I was in the kitchen giving a dance performance to one of Ayefele’s songs in front of my cousin.
I heard my dad’s loud voice from upstairs. He was singing loudly as he usually did. Flakes and I rolled our eyes and shook our heads laughing at his untuned voice and resumed my show. We stopped abruptly a few seconds after. That wasn’t a song. He was lamenting.
“O God! O God why? O God why? Why?”
My heart sank and I ran upstairs jumping two steps at a time.
I met him in the prayer room. His eyes were red and wet with tears and he hid his face from me.
“Daddy what happened? What’s wrong?”
My mind raced and many thoughts entered my head. Did something happen to mum? Was his business okay? What could have happened to make daddy breakdown?
I probed some more before he looked up to me and broke the news – “Oluware is dead.” A cold shiver went down my spine.
You see, uncle Oluware was not just a mechanic to us. He was like family and there was not one week that passed that he didn’t come over. In fact, it was when he didn’t come over the last week that my mum figured something was wrong and reached out to him. He was terribly sick. He had adult measles and another sickness at the same time. But that’s not the point of my post.
Continue reading “Regrets”