Killing in the name of God is wild to me.

I’ve been away from God for a minute. Well not really because God is always with me; but this time I’m (once again) actively pushing to know him better and to do life with him. (I honestly hate saying ‘him’ when talking about God because God is genderless… but patriarchy is choking us even in this. Anyway, I digress. I’ll come back to that topic later.)

I’m currently reading Deuteronomy and I’m not even going to lie, I feel uneasy with Chapter two. It just seems wild to be that they could go and not only displace , but kill a whole town and settle in their lands in the name and authority of God.

Especially with what happened recently. I never really understood how deep it was. I guess I forgot about the humanity of the people being killed in the Bible until I saw them being displaced in real time.

Chapter two says nobody was spared. Not even the children. But what did those poor babies even do?? Like do you get?

They were probably just crying for milk and two seconds later a random guy is beheading them. It’s very upsetting. I mean I understand that they can grow older and turn against them but I can’t wrap my head around it still.

Maybe I need to dig deeper and go back into studying why they had to leave where they were in the first place and if they had beef with those cities before.

Till then, you will be getting a confused Zillenial who is trying to balance knowing/loving and understanding God (and all he did/does) with the things she values and her ‘morals’ (even though a bulk of my morality comes from knowing God and wanting to please him).

Wo, me I’m confused oh.

A petty God?

I asked God for a miracle and He came through.

When I asked Him, I had told him I’d fast for two full days if He helped. With my past record of not keeping my word with Him, I told him to give me a chance to show him that I could be trusted now.

A few minutes later, what I prayed for came through.

I was stunned. I hadn’t felt God move that way in a while so the next day, I deleted my social media apps and closed the fridge.

The first day was struggle for me. I had always broken my fast earlier than I was supposed to but this time I was determined. I had to prove to God that I could be trusted so that He’d help again when I called.

The next day, I woke up not even hungry for food or social media but because I was aware that I hadn’t eaten the day before, I was very uneasy. I broke the fast and told myself that I’d start again the next day.

When I put the food in my mouth, I wasn’t satisfied. Even when I checked my timelines on social media, nothing was appealing to me. It was definitely a bad case of ruining something good for a moment of pleasure because there was really no pleasure.

Later in the day, I got an email with an update about the prayer I had made and immediately, my heart was bothered.

I thought God had taken his miracle back because I didn’t complete my fast. However, I opened it, I realized that it was just a general update and nothing bad.

Something spoke to me and checked me real quick and I believe it was the Holy Spirit.

Was that how low I viewed God -that he’d take his blessings away because I didn’t keep my end of the bargain?

Did I think God was petty?

God is faithful and he remains so, even in my own unfaithfulness. He’s not competing with me.

I will be completing the fast today to hold myself to my word, but even if I didn’t, God wouldn’t change who He is because of that.

It’s important that I write these things down as I take steps back to God and relearn who He is.

Set Free (Verse).

You've been set free
But remember to resist the devil
because he always comes back
and if he finds you empty,
he will invite his friends
and they will set up shop.
This time,
they will build with wood
instead of twigs and leaves
making it harder for you to rid them.

Guard your heart
after you have been set free
lest the devil make you his playground.
Seek your Lord and hide in Him.
For the war you fight is spiritual
If there was anytime you needed the word
it's now. So attack.
With the double-edged sword.

Break me.

I’m currently on a devotional plan called ‘Dangerous Prayers’

It was going well until this morning when I hit a prayer I couldn’t bring myself to pray.

‘Break me’

I struggled and struggled and ended up telling God to give me some time. ‘Let’s come back to this one’, I said. ‘I don’t think I’m quite ready for that’.

Now whilst speaking to God. I began to wonder.

Why am I so afraid to have God break me?

I mean, God says he wants the best for me. He is GOOD. Yes?

So why am I afraid of getting hurt or disadvantaged?

The bible says would a father give a stone when his child asks for bread? How much more God in Heaven?

I asked God to help me trust Him more because surely that is the root.

God is not wicked. Even when things don’t go my way, I should understand that God’s plans for me are of good and not evil.

I should be willing and able to utterly trust; leaving everything for this Being. Allowing him to break me and trusting he will build back.

I hope I’m able to say this prayer soon.

Till then, stay safe x

Also, yes, no salutations today because the world is shaking atm and you’ll just lie that you’re okay.

The Answer.

Hey guys!

Long time no chat.

I hope you’re treating yourself nicely, eating your greens, staying fit… you know, all the good good things I’m definitely not doing for myself.

Last time I told you my struggle with sex and all the holes my mind was jumping through to validate it.

Well, I found my answer. I found it a couple of months back tbh but I forgot to let you know.

The simple answers are self-discipline and self-control. One of the fruits of the Spirit actually.

Yes I can do anything I want but not all things are good for me – rekkeeeeee!!! Somebody open your bible to 1 Corinthians 10:23

LMAO! I’m sorry. Back to business.

I want to be able to control my body you know, be the boss of myself and not a slave to my body. And that’s where discipline comes in. By controlling that part of me, I’m training my mind and body for other aspects of my life that need discipline and perseverance too.

****

Totally off topic, but I dreamt of mama through the night. I was hugging her so tightly and crying. When she noticed my tears and asked why, I told her ‘I’m just so happy you’re here’

Yes Jesus, more dreams like this. I know I cried to you to stop the dreams that time. But I think I’m healing well now.

I’ll gladly take me hugging her in my dreams than none at all.

Also, thank you Jesus for showing yourself this year. You are the most precious thing to me. It’s me and You till I die and for eternity.

Cherry Talk

Don’t ask me why I named this note that. It just seemed really weird having a title with the word ‘virginity’ in it. What could I have named it?

  • Virginity Talk?
  • to pop or not to pop?
  • Can you do a split in the middle(thank you Naira Marley)?

Anyway, moving far away from that. I have never really felt a struggle to not have sex. It was pretty straight forward to me – not happening till the second week of marriage (you know, give the extra week to be sure I’m truly married. LOL).

This year though? My oh my. I mean, I just have to blame it on my hormones because I’m not sure if it’s because I’m meeting new people and suddenly have many more options or my sudden boost in boldness. I’m not exactly sure I understand what is going on.

Actually, I have a small idea.

I don’t believe in the things that kept me from sex anymore or I have found loopholes around them.

  • The fear of pregnancy – condoms and pills (I hate pills and would absolutely forget to take them so maybe this should be it tbh)
  • STDs? – condoms
  • borderline terror of God – I don’t view God as a monster or slave master anymore
  • soul ties – I am not sure I believe in it.
  • reputation? – I’ve never really been one to care about what people think but it’s worse now.
  • Getting attached to people re: soul ties
  • It’s a sin – girl, you be cussing and doing a whole lot of other things so why is this different?
  • Bonus point – I truly believe virginity is a social construct. Why should I suddenly be seen differently because a penis was in me? There is a 100% chance my hymen – if was ever going to ‘break’ did that in my multiple years of riding bicycles and horses. So yeah. Invalid!

I was speaking to one of my friend groups about it (the ones that have probably damned me to hell with the things I bring up). I explained how I didn’t have a ‘why’ for abstaining anymore.

Literally everyone – well almost everyone is having sex and still flourishing. In fact, doing better than I am, so kini izzue?

They brought up a couple of valid points against it but my brain obviously countered them. They advised that I needed to find my own reason to actually pursue ‘righteousness’.

I don’t know if I’ve found that reason yet but I did see something that made me laugh out loud recently on Zikokomag. Again, if you have not checked them out, why not? Anyway, that’s the link below. No need to thank me.

https://www.zikoko.com/life/10-unpopular-marriage-opinions-young-nigerians-are-not-sorry-about/

Number 9 – ‘…My married friends say sex slaps sweeter when you are not constantly thinking of burning in hell after. I want to experience that.’

L.O.L

Back to blaming biology and science in general, does this get worse with age?

Let me know your thoughts in the comments please.

P.S. I am not sponsored by Zikoko. I genuinely love their work.

It’s the little things

Look at me being consistent. I’ll wait for the applause.

I have something interesting to share with you. Remember when I told you that my faith was on the rocks (no, no alcohol jokes here lol)?

Two weeks ago, a man who was evangelizing walked up to me and handed me a pamphlet. ‘Do you believe in God?’ ‘Do you believe in life after death (heaven)?’ I answered yes to all his questions but knew I was lying to myself – a little Pinocchio.

It was a weird, scary feeling. My mind ran in circles. ‘Are you leaving God now?… you’re atheist after all these years? Are you willing to take this risk?’ And lastly, ‘are you crazy?’.

Strange things have happened these past few weeks. I’ll tell you about two. They’re both food related but I promise I’m not a glutton.

1. Jollof Rice: I had the most intense craving for jollof rice and I couldn’t find a place with good reputation to order from. With my history of cooking the particular dish, I decided the 20% chance of making inedible food wasn’t worth it so I tweeted a prayer for God to provide it. Now, I didn’t put my mind to it. I wasn’t expecting an answer at all. It was just an innocent tweet but my aunty came back that evening and offered – without being asked, to make – you guessed it – JOLLOF RICEEEEEE!

You’re probably thinking ‘Deb, have you heard of coincidences?’ I have, yes but let me give you another instance.

2. Doughnuts: About three days ago, I was laying in bed, on the phone with my friend and I repeatedly told them I was dying to eat doughnuts but I didn’t want to walk outside and the doughnut shop didn’t deliver. I tweeted that God should provide doughnuts the same way he provided the rice. And He did LOL! The next day, my coworker got me doughnuts unprovoked.

It’s the little things that tell me that there’s still a God. Okay one bonus one before I let you go. I was going to go rogue and then I got a text with a bible verse warning against it. I laughed so hard like I get it God, I wouldn’t dabble in it.

There are hints around me everyday. It’s also very nice to know that God is actively trying to get me back after all my disbelief and flat out disregard for Him.

Early Mornings

There’s this online magazine I read called Zikoko. I don’t think I can hype it up enough. It makes me laugh and cry and sometimes, the quizzes make me feel like the writers dabble in black magic because of how accurate the answers are for me.

This morning, I read something that made me very uncomfortable on their new segment where Nigerian young adults talk about their sex life – the good, the bad, the funny and the surprising. It’s called SexLife by the way in case you want to check it out.

I’m not going into details so read it yourself. Anyway anonymous tells us that his first encounter with a professional was not the greatest because they asked if he had ‘tried Jesus’.

TRIED JESUS! TRIED JESUS?

Hold your horses. While I am a firm believer in the power of Christ and his ability to set ‘captives’ free, I also believe in professionalism in the work place.

‘But Deb, the things of the spirit don’t make sense to the canal minded. We need to evangelize any and everywhere. Your church personality shouldn’t be different from your work personality…’

Okay why did this professional go to school to learn psychology or whatever they studied? Why didn’t they just go to bible school and sit in the church to pray for those who came WILLINGLY and asked for it? I mean if they aren’t going to use the professional methods to help others then what is the use?

I just think that if I go to a professional to speak about things going on in my life, that’s what I want to get. Do you understand me? Of course I know there is a God. I know about Jesus and prayer but I didn’t give you my hard earned money to ask me if I’ve tried Jesus.

Maybe after my session, when you have listened to me and realized I’m open to talking about Christ and prayer you can then bring it up. Like my mother used to say ‘kini gbogbo frapapa yen na’ (loosely translates to ‘what is all that rubbish’).

Let me know your thoughts on this please. Maybe my thought process is wrong.

Also don’t forget to check out Zikoko Magazine because they make my days better.

Lust.

Let’s talk about lust, shall we?

No one really talks about the sin of lust anymore. It’s so normal in this generation. In fact, if you google it, you’d see articles telling you how lust can boost your immune system or increase your life span.

As a young child, whenever I saw someone I found attractive, I would look away immediately and ask God to forgive me for lustful thoughts. I didn’t want any smoke (quite literally – hell, but also from God). Thinking about it makes me laugh. If I could go back, I’d tell younger me to calm down because God wasn’t going to strike her for thinking Tolani had nice eyes.

Continue reading “Lust.”

Daddy’s Princess


I heard these words eight years ago in a movie –

“Whatever you do; wherever you go
always remember you’re daddy’s princess”

Whenever the devil tries to guilt me.
This line is always a reminder that I am,
and will always be God’s princess.

No matter how far I go;
Whenever I return,
I will always have my place
secure in my father’s house.

I am not a stranger.