You know what they say about healing. You gotta dig deep, pull out the mush, lay it bare and let it hit you. You pause, cry it out and stand back up. It's only then that the battle can begin. But what if you don’t get up. What if the baggage is so heavy, it crushes you. Leaving you paralyzed and incapable of recovering. All the memories that you fought so hard to forget - All up in your face. And you’re too weak to fight them - Too broken to walk away. The heartbreaks from your parents failed attempt at raising you, The death of your grandpa when you were a child - When you walked in and saw his lifeless body with cotton wool stuffed in his ears and nostrils. Your warped first introduction to sex The betrayals in friendships that happened time after time The times you were silenced and had no voice to speak The time that silence made you lose the most important part of you. --- On the other hand, What if you’re strong enough? What if you come out of this battle With the head of your attacker Swinging from your fingers. What if you learn to love again And you learn to trust again What if the right people come to you And you bare your souls to each other What if you find that safe haven you’ve always wanted And you speak with confidence and walk with you head high. What if you find the answers to your questions and a balm for the cracks in your heart What if you become whole again And life's colours become vibrant - a change from the dull faded lenses you're used to. What if you can conquer the fear? But what if you don't? Is it worth it? To ring up past memories and trauma and lay them in front of you Isn't it better to have it stay tucked in and try your hardest to dodge the trigger bullets They are all neatly folded into mind cabinets anyway. Surely, to unfold will be a fool's errand.
WHEW! Finally! I feel like most of my personal blogs here are of me beating myself down and picking apart all the things I feel are wrong with me and my life in general. We are going to step away from that today and give myself credit for the amazingly good job I’ve been doing lately.
First off, HAPPY NEW YEARRRRRR!!! *insert dancing and party popper emojis*
How’s your year been so far? Did you make any resolutions? Are you keeping them? Best believe I’m giving you the side eye if you have broken them. Like, can you get it together? It’s only been 18 days bro (jk, I’m with you. I was back to pop two days into the year).
This year has been great but let’s go back just a little bit because will it really be Bold-ish if I don’t overshare the less fancy part of my life? – not like it’s usually fancy.
Okay, so the ending of 2019 was a bit rough (cue uncomfortable chuckle). In fact, let me tell you how the first seconds of my 2020 were. When the countdown ended and everyone around me hugged and kissed each other, I plopped down and burst into tears. I didn’t think I’d make it. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to make it to the new year.
The -ember months felt like shit. In fact, July felt like shit too and so did August. Life was just hitting me back-to-back you know – gbas gbos. I went into a hole and stopped responding to texts. I didn’t return phone calls and actively stayed away from people who kept me grounded. So as expected, I started to misbehave. Looking back I’m SHOOK at what I was dabbling in. Best believe I’m never speaking of it LOL. It died with 2019 please. Isaiah 43:18 ‘Forget the former things, don’t dwell on the past’. Hallelujah? Amen.
Moving forward as quickly as possible before the embarrassment hits, this new year has been incredible. I feel lighter, happier, healthier and more organized. I have found myself dancing on the streets again, reaching out to friends and family and inserting myself back into the community. Parts of my life are coming together. I’m still struggling with my faith but God and I are working it out. It’s all good.
I plan to write more this year; longer fictional stories (guys, I wrote novels in the past), more verses – you guys seem to love them, and of course, overshare my life and hopefully insert more of my wins.
Your girl is THRIVING now sha. I’m walking on sunshine and it really does feel good! I see the light at the end of the tunnel, brighter than ever. This life is beautiful and as BayoBond says, ‘this life is for the living and we go live am DIE!’
Here’s to 2020 and all the beautiful moments waiting to happen. Cheers to a healthy mental state, great food, great conversations, and cheers to my friends who didn’t give up on me when I went silent. Cheers to you, yes you, for keeping this place safe for me to pour my heart out.
To a year filled with so much love, vulnerability and healthy relationships.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!