On King Street…

Woke up to terrible news.

Suicide in the building across mine.

While I slept, someone succumbed to their thoughts and jumped to their end.

It’s scary how much power the mind has and the things we are capable of. The fact that one can give into those thoughts of inadequacy, self-hatred and the lies that the enemy throws at them and in one second, make a decision that has no back button is truly horrifying.

I have been in a rut recently. A dark, heavy cloud has been on me and my mind has been foggy. I have had terrible things seep in and sometimes nothing at all. I think that’s why the news hit hard. It could have been me. It could have been me on the news and people would have talked like they understood what I was going through. ‘Ah, we need more people who listen…we need more counsellors…Check up on your friends… Speak out please… don’t let social media pressure you…’ In fact, some would have flat out called me an ungrateful little brat because ‘people are going through worse‘ and therefore my feelings were invalid. And the really ignorant ones would have told my friends and family ‘ah, do you know she’s going to hell?… I thought she was a Christian… I hope she asked for forgiveness… Ah, what a waste.

How do we win this battle with our thoughts – apart from affirmations and speaking to people because I think, for the most part, we all know that but at that moment in time it doesn’t click. I have so much more to say. So many questions – about the mind, friendships, science, life and God. I want to tell you about how scared of myself I am majority of the time but I’m tired and worn out.

Early Mornings

There’s this online magazine I read called Zikoko. I don’t think I can hype it up enough. It makes me laugh and cry and sometimes, the quizzes make me feel like the writers dabble in black magic because of how accurate the answers are for me.

This morning, I read something that made me very uncomfortable on their new segment where Nigerian young adults talk about their sex life – the good, the bad, the funny and the surprising. It’s called SexLife by the way in case you want to check it out.

I’m not going into details so read it yourself. Anyway anonymous tells us that his first encounter with a professional was not the greatest because they asked if he had ‘tried Jesus’.

TRIED JESUS! TRIED JESUS?

Hold your horses. While I am a firm believer in the power of Christ and his ability to set ‘captives’ free, I also believe in professionalism in the work place.

‘But Deb, the things of the spirit don’t make sense to the canal minded. We need to evangelize any and everywhere. Your church personality shouldn’t be different from your work personality…’

Okay why did this professional go to school to learn psychology or whatever they studied? Why didn’t they just go to bible school and sit in the church to pray for those who came WILLINGLY and asked for it? I mean if they aren’t going to use the professional methods to help others then what is the use?

I just think that if I go to a professional to speak about things going on in my life, that’s what I want to get. Do you understand me? Of course I know there is a God. I know about Jesus and prayer but I didn’t give you my hard earned money to ask me if I’ve tried Jesus.

Maybe after my session, when you have listened to me and realized I’m open to talking about Christ and prayer you can then bring it up. Like my mother used to say ‘kini gbogbo frapapa yen na’ (loosely translates to ‘what is all that rubbish’).

Let me know your thoughts on this please. Maybe my thought process is wrong.

Also don’t forget to check out Zikoko Magazine because they make my days better.

The Other Side of Fear

Let me let you in on a secret – I’m scared of water. It doesn’t matter if I’m knee deep or ankle deep. I just don’t like it.

So when my friend, N, suggested that we add jet skiing to our day trip plans, my immediate answer was a solid “hell to the no”. And I settled for rock climbing instead whilst she went into the water (gotta get these abs popping one way or another yh? LOL).

Don’t ask how I found myself on the passenger seat. I’m not really sure. She really knows how to get me because I went from ‘I would never’ to ‘fine, I’ll come to watch’ to screaming and laughing in the water.

And girl, it was so exciting. The wind, the water, the speed; I had never experienced such wonderfulness. I wasn’t even scared when the waves got really rough. All I saw was the beauty in it. It looked like someone had put a high-speed fan under a light blanket. Absolutely stunning.

We didn’t make it back to land before the heavy rain. Half of my makeup was gone (deffo looked like a clown), and my wig was a mess. That didn’t dampen the mood though. I wiped the rest of the makeup off my face, combed out my natural hair and was ready for the next adventure.

I have tasted and seen (that the Lord is good) the life on the other side of fear and it’s ridiculously exhilarating! There’s no stopping me now. Next stop is jumping out of the plane!

I’m kidding. That’s a hell to the no.

Built for love.

Hello!

It’s been a while since I’ve talked to you. I’m not even going to sit here and lie – it was intentional. I was running away because I was embarrassed. I’m not the same person you met and I didn’t want you to see this part of me. However, I feel like I’m accountable to you as I have shared some parts of my journey with you, so I’m back to let you in.

The last time we spoke I told you my stance about showing love and being vulnerable. I said I had found a balance and everything was going to be finally perfect and yadiyadiya. Well, it turns out I tipped the scale. The girl who preached to be kind, loving, forgiving, honest and open is MIA.

Continue reading “Built for love.”

Final embrace.

One last embrace
One last smell of your sweet smelling perfume
One last kiss on the softest of lips

Before your heart stops
As I hold your head
Rocking to the music we first danced to.

As I catch your last breathe,
And see your eyes open
With that famous crooked smile 


One last time.

One last touch

One last hope 

One last chance


To say 'I love you'
Before your soul leaves 

And I'm left with only what held your essence


And a shattered heart.


	

Better.

Do you remember the promises -
the ones we made as we lay
counting the squares on my ceiling?

Do you remember the words you spoke -
the ones that were so gentle
and soft it made my ears tingle?

Do you remember the tears -
the ones that we shed because our love
was too intense for us to handle

Do you remember the day -
the one where I left
in hope of greener pastures

I remember those moments -
the ones where I'm happy
and without worries

I like me better when I'm with you
When my heart is close to yours
and I can feel its rhythm with ease.

New Year, New Day

Happy new year, beautiful people!

I hope you rang in the new year surrounded by the people you love. And if you were alone, I hope you gave yourself lots of love too.

Let’s be honest, entering a new year isn’t always a happy jolly experience. One moment, you’re hugging your family and friends after counting down to 12 am and the next minute you’re thinking about the unaccomplished goals you set at the beginning of the last year. You still swear like a sailor, gossip, gamble, eat junk food, and you still haven’t left that toxic relationship you said you were done with last year. You look at the lives of the people you’re with and suddenly feel like a failure. Sally got that promotion she had put on her goal board; Jim’s body now looks like it was sculpted by the gods themselves, unlike last year when you both looked like sticks (sticks are beautiful too btw); and Fade now heals the sick and speaks in tongues. Last year, she was getting drunk every night and puking in bars – the worst part is that you are the one who took her to church and you can’t even find a voice to pray.

Don’t give up! Don’t give up on being a better version of yourself. And please, stop with the comparison. Sally, Jim and Fade might seem like they have their lives in order but there’s a good chance they have unachieved goals (and if they hit all, good for them; you’d achieve yours too).

Go back to the drawing board and tweak the wordings of those goals. Instead of being so broad and ‘finish line’ centred, give yourself little checkpoints. We all have different ways of motivating ourselves. Some people like to see the end goal and some people like progress checkpoints. It’s a new year, a new beginning. Forgive yourself for the shortcomings of last year and push on this new year.

If like me, you’ve already failed at some of the resolutions you made this year (yes, I ate that burger), don’t fret; every day, actually, every second is another chance to a fresh start – a clean slate – Let’s hope I don’t end up using this sentence to enable myself and break my resolutions LOL!

2019 is for YOU. Make it your bitch.