The Other Side of Fear

Let me let you in on a secret – I’m scared of water. It doesn’t matter if I’m knee deep or ankle deep. I just don’t like it.

So when my friend, N, suggested that we add jet skiing to our day trip plans, my immediate answer was a solid “hell to the no”. And I settled for rock climbing instead whilst she went into the water (gotta get these abs popping one way or another yh? LOL).

Don’t ask how I found myself on the passenger seat. I’m not really sure. She really knows how to get me because I went from ‘I would never’ to ‘fine, I’ll come to watch’ to screaming and laughing in the water.

And girl, it was so exciting. The wind, the water, the speed; I had never experienced such wonderfulness. I wasn’t even scared when the waves got really rough. All I saw was the beauty in it. It looked like someone had put a high-speed fan under a light blanket. Absolutely stunning.

We didn’t make it back to land before the heavy rain. Half of my makeup was gone (deffo looked like a clown), and my wig was a mess. That didn’t dampen the mood though. I wiped the rest of the makeup off my face, combed out my natural hair and was ready for the next adventure.

I have tasted and seen (that the Lord is good) the life on the other side of fear and it’s ridiculously exhilarating! There’s no stopping me now. Next stop is jumping out of the plane!

I’m kidding. That’s a hell to the no.

Built for love.

Hello!

It’s been a while since I’ve talked to you. I’m not even going to sit here and lie – it was intentional. I was running away because I was embarrassed. I’m not the same person you met and I didn’t want you to see this part of me. However, I feel like I’m accountable to you as I have shared some parts of my journey with you, so I’m back to let you in.

The last time we spoke I told you my stance about showing love and being vulnerable. I said I had found a balance and everything was going to be finally perfect and yadiyadiya. Well, it turns out I tipped the scale. The girl who preached to be kind, loving, forgiving, honest and open is MIA.

Continue reading “Built for love.”

Final embrace.

One last embrace
One last smell of your sweet smelling perfume
One last kiss on the softest of lips

Before your heart stops
As I hold your head
Rocking to the music we first danced to.

As I catch your last breathe,
And see your eyes open
With that famous crooked smile 


One last time.

One last touch

One last hope 

One last chance


To say 'I love you'
Before your soul leaves 

And I'm left with only what held your essence


And a shattered heart.


	

Better.

Do you remember the promises -
the ones we made as we lay
counting the squares on my ceiling?

Do you remember the words you spoke -
the ones that were so gentle
and soft it made my ears tingle?

Do you remember the tears -
the ones that we shed because our love
was too intense for us to handle

Do you remember the day -
the one where I left
in hope of greener pastures

I remember those moments -
the ones where I'm happy
and without worries

I like me better when I'm with you
When my heart is close to yours
and I can feel its rhythm with ease.

New Year, New Day

Happy new year, beautiful people!

I hope you rang in the new year surrounded by the people you love. And if you were alone, I hope you gave yourself lots of love too.

Let’s be honest, entering a new year isn’t always a happy jolly experience. One moment, you’re hugging your family and friends after counting down to 12 am and the next minute you’re thinking about the unaccomplished goals you set at the beginning of the last year. You still swear like a sailor, gossip, gamble, eat junk food, and you still haven’t left that toxic relationship you said you were done with last year. You look at the lives of the people you’re with and suddenly feel like a failure. Sally got that promotion she had put on her goal board; Jim’s body now looks like it was sculpted by the gods themselves, unlike last year when you both looked like sticks (sticks are beautiful too btw); and Fade now heals the sick and speaks in tongues. Last year, she was getting drunk every night and puking in bars – the worst part is that you are the one who took her to church and you can’t even find a voice to pray.

Don’t give up! Don’t give up on being a better version of yourself. And please, stop with the comparison. Sally, Jim and Fade might seem like they have their lives in order but there’s a good chance they have unachieved goals (and if they hit all, good for them; you’d achieve yours too).

Go back to the drawing board and tweak the wordings of those goals. Instead of being so broad and ‘finish line’ centred, give yourself little checkpoints. We all have different ways of motivating ourselves. Some people like to see the end goal and some people like progress checkpoints. It’s a new year, a new beginning. Forgive yourself for the shortcomings of last year and push on this new year.

If like me, you’ve already failed at some of the resolutions you made this year (yes, I ate that burger), don’t fret; every day, actually, every second is another chance to a fresh start – a clean slate – Let’s hope I don’t end up using this sentence to enable myself and break my resolutions LOL!

2019 is for YOU. Make it your bitch.

Crashing down.

It’s eleven days until the year 2018 ends. Last month, I started writing my last post for the year. I wrote about how the year started rough for me and the roller coaster of emotions I experienced; the fact that I cried more than half of the time and had suicidal moments. But then I switched about halfway through my draft and began to write of how I rose above it all and how I’m a much better person who has learnt to live, to love, to forgive, to grow and learnt to accommodate.

I wrote about my newly found love for hugs and embraces; for the sun and bright colours; for people and their individualities. I wrote about my intentional approach to relationships with people and how my resolve to have open and honest conversations had made me a better person.

But last night, I came crashing down – HARD. I realized that I hadn’t really overcome like I thought I had. All the thoughts and fears I had struggled with for years came rushing back at 2 am, and I panicked. My chest hurt and I suddenly could not breathe. At that moment, I thought I was going to die. Not like it mattered to me.

So maybe I’m not really ‘healed’ or ‘grown’ like I had thought, but I would not sit here and say that there has not been some progress; that would be a lie. I’ve had great days this year, I’ve met great people, explored new places, laughed my butt off and felt a real sense of identity. I even let myself have a little crush – LOL! I know, it’s almost unbelievable that a makanaki like me would fall. Maybe I’ll tell you guys about it one day.

There have been tears; tears that would have probably filled a pool if I kept them. There have been times of distress, discomfort, sickness, pain and near surrender. And as much as I love to be hard on myself, today, I’d like to show a little love to myself. I’ve shown great strength and resilience to the bullshit life has offered me. I’m just here, hoping and praying for complete healing and a higher knowledge of my worth in the next year. If that’s even possible.

Merry Christmas and a happy new year guys! Don’t forget to laugh at serious moments.

Bold-ish

Regrets

The day the mechanic died, I was in the kitchen giving a dance performance to one of Ayefele’s songs in front of my cousin.

I heard my dad’s loud voice from upstairs. He was singing loudly as he usually did. Flakes and I rolled our eyes and shook our heads laughing at his untuned voice and resumed my show. We stopped abruptly a few seconds after. That wasn’t a song. He was lamenting. 

“O God! O God why? O God why? Why?”

My heart sank and I ran upstairs jumping two steps at a time.

I met him in the prayer room. His eyes were red and wet with tears and he hid his face from me.

“Daddy what happened? What’s wrong?”

My mind raced and many thoughts entered my head. Did something happen to mum? Was his business okay? What could have happened to make daddy breakdown?

I probed some more before he looked up to me and broke the news – “Oluware is dead.”  A cold shiver went down my spine. 

You see, uncle Oluware was not just a mechanic to us. He was like family and there was not one week that passed that he didn’t come over. In fact, it was when he didn’t come over the last week that my mum figured something was wrong and reached out to him. He was terribly sick. He had adult measles and another sickness at the same time. But that’s not the point of my post.

Continue reading “Regrets”