It's Good News!

WHEW! Finally! I feel like most of my personal blogs here are of me beating myself down and picking apart all the things I feel are wrong with me and my life in general. We are going to step away from that today and give myself credit for the amazingly good job I’ve been doing lately.

First off, HAPPY NEW YEARRRRRR!!! *insert dancing and party popper emojis*

How’s your year been so far? Did you make any resolutions? Are you keeping them? Best believe I’m giving you the side eye if you have broken them. Like, can you get it together? It’s only been 18 days bro (jk, I’m with you. I was back to pop two days into the year).

This year has been great but let’s go back just a little bit because will it really be Bold-ish if I don’t overshare the less fancy part of my life? – not like it’s usually fancy.

Okay, so the ending of 2019 was a bit rough (cue uncomfortable chuckle). In fact, let me tell you how the first seconds of my 2020 were. When the countdown ended and everyone around me hugged and kissed each other, I plopped down and burst into tears. I didn’t think I’d make it. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to make it to the new year.

The -ember months felt like shit. In fact, July felt like shit too and so did August. Life was just hitting me back-to-back you know – gbas gbos. I went into a hole and stopped responding to texts. I didn’t return phone calls and actively stayed away from people who kept me grounded. So as expected, I started to misbehave. Looking back I’m SHOOK at what I was dabbling in. Best believe I’m never speaking of it LOL. It died with 2019 please. Isaiah 43:18 ‘Forget the former things, don’t dwell on the past’. Hallelujah? Amen.

Moving forward as quickly as possible before the embarrassment hits, this new year has been incredible. I feel lighter, happier, healthier and more organized. I have found myself dancing on the streets again, reaching out to friends and family and inserting myself back into the community. Parts of my life are coming together. I’m still struggling with my faith but God and I are working it out. It’s all good.

I plan to write more this year; longer fictional stories (guys, I wrote novels in the past), more verses – you guys seem to love them, and of course, overshare my life and hopefully insert more of my wins.

Your girl is THRIVING now sha. I’m walking on sunshine and it really does feel good! I see the light at the end of the tunnel, brighter than ever. This life is beautiful and as BayoBond says, ‘this life is for the living and we go live am DIE!’

Here’s to 2020 and all the beautiful moments waiting to happen. Cheers to a healthy mental state, great food, great conversations, and cheers to my friends who didn’t give up on me when I went silent. Cheers to you, yes you, for keeping this place safe for me to pour my heart out.

To a year filled with so much love, vulnerability and healthy relationships.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

New Year, New Day

Happy new year, beautiful people!

I hope you rang in the new year surrounded by the people you love. And if you were alone, I hope you gave yourself lots of love too.

Let’s be honest, entering a new year isn’t always a happy jolly experience. One moment, you’re hugging your family and friends after counting down to 12 am and the next minute you’re thinking about the unaccomplished goals you set at the beginning of the last year. You still swear like a sailor, gossip, gamble, eat junk food, and you still haven’t left that toxic relationship you said you were done with last year. You look at the lives of the people you’re with and suddenly feel like a failure. Sally got that promotion she had put on her goal board; Jim’s body now looks like it was sculpted by the gods themselves, unlike last year when you both looked like sticks (sticks are beautiful too btw); and Fade now heals the sick and speaks in tongues. Last year, she was getting drunk every night and puking in bars – the worst part is that you are the one who took her to church and you can’t even find a voice to pray.

Don’t give up! Don’t give up on being a better version of yourself. And please, stop with the comparison. Sally, Jim and Fade might seem like they have their lives in order but there’s a good chance they have unachieved goals (and if they hit all, good for them; you’d achieve yours too).

Go back to the drawing board and tweak the wordings of those goals. Instead of being so broad and ‘finish line’ centred, give yourself little checkpoints. We all have different ways of motivating ourselves. Some people like to see the end goal and some people like progress checkpoints. It’s a new year, a new beginning. Forgive yourself for the shortcomings of last year and push on this new year.

If like me, you’ve already failed at some of the resolutions you made this year (yes, I ate that burger), don’t fret; every day, actually, every second is another chance to a fresh start – a clean slate – Let’s hope I don’t end up using this sentence to enable myself and break my resolutions LOL!

2019 is for YOU. Make it your bitch.

Crashing down.

It’s eleven days until the year 2018 ends. Last month, I started writing my last post for the year. I wrote about how the year started rough for me and the roller coaster of emotions I experienced; the fact that I cried more than half of the time and had suicidal moments. But then I switched about halfway through my draft and began to write of how I rose above it all and how I’m a much better person who has learnt to live, to love, to forgive, to grow and learnt to accommodate.

I wrote about my newly found love for hugs and embraces; for the sun and bright colours; for people and their individualities. I wrote about my intentional approach to relationships with people and how my resolve to have open and honest conversations had made me a better person.

But last night, I came crashing down – HARD. I realized that I hadn’t really overcome like I thought I had. All the thoughts and fears I had struggled with for years came rushing back at 2 am, and I panicked. My chest hurt and I suddenly could not breathe. At that moment, I thought I was going to die. Not like it mattered to me.

So maybe I’m not really ‘healed’ or ‘grown’ like I had thought, but I would not sit here and say that there has not been some progress; that would be a lie. I’ve had great days this year, I’ve met great people, explored new places, laughed my butt off and felt a real sense of identity. I even let myself have a little crush – LOL! I know, it’s almost unbelievable that a makanaki like me would fall. Maybe I’ll tell you guys about it one day.

There have been tears; tears that would have probably filled a pool if I kept them. There have been times of distress, discomfort, sickness, pain and near surrender. And as much as I love to be hard on myself, today, I’d like to show a little love to myself. I’ve shown great strength and resilience to the bullshit life has offered me. I’m just here, hoping and praying for complete healing and a higher knowledge of my worth in the next year. If that’s even possible.

Merry Christmas and a happy new year guys! Don’t forget to laugh at serious moments.

Bold-ish