Tag: personal

A petty God?

April 20th, 2021

I asked God for a miracle and He came through.

When I asked Him, I had told him I’d fast for two full days if He helped. With my past record of not keeping my word with Him, I told him to give me a chance to show him that I could be trusted now.

A few minutes later, what I prayed for came through.

I was stunned. I hadn’t felt God move that way in a while so the next day, I deleted my social media apps and closed the fridge.

The first day was struggle for me. I had always broken my fast earlier than I was supposed to but this time I was determined. I had to prove to God that I could be trusted so that He’d help again when I called.

The next day, I woke up not even hungry for food or social media but because I was aware that I hadn’t eaten the day before, I was very uneasy. I broke the fast and told myself that I’d start again the next day.

When I put the food in my mouth, I wasn’t satisfied. Even when I checked my timelines on social media, nothing was appealing to me. It was definitely a bad case of ruining something good for a moment of pleasure because there was really no pleasure.

Later in the day, I got an email with an update about the prayer I had made and immediately, my heart was bothered.

I thought God had taken his miracle back because I didn’t complete my fast. However, I opened it, I realized that it was just a general update and nothing bad.

Something spoke to me and checked me real quick and I believe it was the Holy Spirit.

Was that how low I viewed God -that he’d take his blessings away because I didn’t keep my end of the bargain?

Did I think God was petty?

God is faithful and he remains so, even in my own unfaithfulness. He’s not competing with me.

I will be completing the fast today to hold myself to my word, but even if I didn’t, God wouldn’t change who He is because of that.

It’s important that I write these things down as I take steps back to God and relearn who He is.
Break me.

September 28th, 2020

I’m currently on a devotional plan called ‘Dangerous Prayers’

It was going well until this morning when I hit a prayer I couldn’t bring myself to pray.

‘Break me’

I struggled and struggled and ended up telling God to give me some time. ‘Let’s come back to this one’, I said. ‘I don’t think I’m quite ready for that’.

Now whilst speaking to God. I began to wonder.

Why am I so afraid to have God break me?

I mean, God says he wants the best for me. He is GOOD. Yes?

So why am I afraid of getting hurt or disadvantaged?

The bible says would a father give a stone when his child asks for bread? How much more God in Heaven?

I asked God to help me trust Him more because surely that is the root.

God is not wicked. Even when things don’t go my way, I should understand that God’s plans for me are of good and not evil.

I should be willing and able to utterly trust; leaving everything for this Being. Allowing him to break me and trusting he will build back.

I hope I’m able to say this prayer soon.

Till then, stay safe x

Also, yes, no salutations today because the world is shaking atm and you’ll just lie that you’re okay.
The Answer.

August 21st, 2020

Hey guys!

Long time no chat.

I hope you’re treating yourself nicely, eating your greens, staying fit… you know, all the good good things I’m definitely not doing for myself.

Last time I told you my struggle with sex and all the holes my mind was jumping through to validate it.

Well, I found my answer. I found it a couple of months back tbh but I forgot to let you know.

The simple answers are self-discipline and self-control. One of the fruits of the Spirit actually.

Yes I can do anything I want but not all things are good for me – rekkeeeeee!!! Somebody open your bible to 1 Corinthians 10:23

LMAO! I’m sorry. Back to business.

I want to be able to control my body you know, be the boss of myself and not a slave to my body. And that’s where discipline comes in. By controlling that part of me, I’m training my mind and body for other aspects of my life that need discipline and perseverance too.

****

Totally off topic, but I dreamt of mama through the night. I was hugging her so tightly and crying. When she noticed my tears and asked why, I told her ‘I’m just so happy you’re here’

Yes Jesus, more dreams like this. I know I cried to you to stop the dreams that time. But I think I’m healing well now.

I’ll gladly take me hugging her in my dreams than none at all.

Also, thank you Jesus for showing yourself this year. You are the most precious thing to me. It’s me and You till I die and for eternity.
It’s Good News!

January 18th, 2020

WHEW! Finally! I feel like most of my personal blogs here are of me beating myself down and picking apart all the things I feel are wrong with me and my life in general. We are going to step away from that today and give myself credit for the amazingly good job I’ve been doing lately.

First off, HAPPY NEW YEARRRRRR!!! *insert dancing and party popper emojis*

How’s your year been so far? Did you make any resolutions? Are you keeping them? Best believe I’m giving you the side eye if you have broken them. Like, can you get it together? It’s only been 18 days bro (jk, I’m with you. I was back to pop two days into the year).

This year has been great but let’s go back just a little bit because will it really be Bold-ish if I don’t overshare the less fancy part of my life? – not like it’s usually fancy.

Okay, so the ending of 2019 was a bit rough (cue uncomfortable chuckle). In fact, let me tell you how the first seconds of my 2020 were. When the countdown ended and everyone around me hugged and kissed each other, I plopped down and burst into tears. I didn’t think I’d make it. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to make it to the new year.

The -ember months felt like shit. In fact, July felt like shit too and so did August. Life was just hitting me back-to-back you know – gbas gbos. I went into a hole and stopped responding to texts. I didn’t return phone calls and actively stayed away from people who kept me grounded. So as expected, I started to misbehave. Looking back I’m SHOOK at what I was dabbling in. Best believe I’m never speaking of it LOL. It died with 2019 please. Isaiah 43:18 ‘Forget the former things, don’t dwell on the past’. Hallelujah? Amen.

Moving forward as quickly as possible before the embarrassment hits, this new year has been incredible. I feel lighter, happier, healthier and more organized. I have found myself dancing on the streets again, reaching out to friends and family and inserting myself back into the community. Parts of my life are coming together. I’m still struggling with my faith but God and I are working it out. It’s all good.

I plan to write more this year; longer fictional stories (guys, I wrote novels in the past), more verses – you guys seem to love them, and of course, overshare my life and hopefully insert more of my wins.

Your girl is THRIVING now sha. I’m walking on sunshine and it really does feel good! I see the light at the end of the tunnel, brighter than ever. This life is beautiful and as BayoBond says, ‘this life is for the living and we go live am DIE!’

Here’s to 2020 and all the beautiful moments waiting to happen. Cheers to a healthy mental state, great food, great conversations, and cheers to my friends who didn’t give up on me when I went silent. Cheers to you, yes you, for keeping this place safe for me to pour my heart out.

To a year filled with so much love, vulnerability and healthy relationships.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Built for love.

July 17th, 2019

Hello!

It’s been a while since I’ve talked to you. I’m not even going to sit here and lie – it was intentional. I was running away because I was embarrassed. I’m not the same person you met and I didn’t want you to see this part of me. However, I feel like I’m accountable to you as I have shared some parts of my journey with you, so I’m back to let you in.

The last time we spoke I told you my stance about showing love and being vulnerable. I said I had found a balance and everything was going to be finally perfect and yadiyadiya. Well, it turns out I tipped the scale. The girl who preached to be kind, loving, forgiving, honest and open is MIA.
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Dealing with loss

November 15th, 2018

I’d be the first to let you know that I haven’t really dealt with the death of my mother. I have buried it deep down and haven’t come to terms with it.

I honestly haven’t cried that I lost her.

I’ve cried that she didn’t get to see my husband and tease him, cried that my children wouldn’t be able to receive her kisses and unending love, cried for the people that depended on her, cried that I couldn’t save her.

But not once have I cried that the only person I have loved with all of my heart is no longer here with me. That I would no longer have air kiss competitions after she told me she loved me at the end of our phone conversations. I haven’t cried that I wouldn’t hear her call me ‘pretty babe’ while caressing my face or take a jab at my small bum and squeeze it.
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Back rubs

November 11th, 2018

The back pains started again yesterday.

It was a sad day.

If this happened last year, I’d have comforted myself in the fact that my mother would be back soon to give me her healing back rubs.

“Just a few more months. Be patient”

There was nothing to comfort myself in yesterday. Knowing that I’d never feel her tender, yet firm hands kneading my back and sharing in my pain with her words.

But I’m comforted in the fact that there’s a God who loves me more than my mum could have ever been capable of. So he’ll give me those back rubs when I need them. He’d not only share my pain, but he’d also take them away completely.

I have to learn to trust in his love and realize that he’s enough for me.
Bald-ish

November 8th, 2018

So I shaved my hair.

I had been thinking of shaving my head for over a year but my balls hadn’t grown big enough. “What if the shape of your head is bad? Get a boyfriend first, that way, he can’t leave when you shave your head. Is it not a sin?”

Finally, my balls overgrew and exploded.

*poof* (more…)
Fere Bi Ekun.

October 2nd, 2018

Tribute to a mother.

Most times, I don’t have the words to explain who my mother was. It’s really hard to condense her whole being and the different sides of her I got to experience into a few sentences. But I will try.

I’ll share a story with you. A moment I keep very dearly in my heart.
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