On Trauma and Healing

You know what they say about healing. 
You gotta dig deep, pull out the mush,
lay it bare and let it hit you.
You pause, cry it out and stand back up.
It's only then that the battle can begin.

But what if you don’t get up.
What if the baggage is so heavy, it crushes you.
Leaving you paralyzed and incapable of recovering.
All the memories that you fought so hard to forget -
All up in your face.
And you’re too weak to fight them - 
Too broken to walk away.

The heartbreaks from your parents failed attempt at raising you,
The death of your grandpa when you were a  child - 
When you walked in and saw his lifeless body with cotton wool stuffed in his ears and nostrils. 
Your warped first introduction to sex
The betrayals in friendships that happened time after time
The times you were silenced and had no voice to speak 
The time that silence made you lose the most important part of you. 
---

On the other hand, 
What if you’re strong enough?
What if you come out of this battle 
With the head of your attacker 
Swinging from your fingers.

What if you learn to love again
And you learn to trust again
What if the right people come to you
And you bare your souls to each other
What if you find that safe haven you’ve always wanted
And you speak with confidence and walk with you head high.

What if you find the answers to your questions 
and a balm for the cracks in your heart
What if you become whole again 
And life's colours become vibrant - 
a change from the dull faded lenses you're used to.
What if you can conquer the fear?

But what if you don't?

Is it worth it?
To ring up past memories and trauma
and lay them in front of you 
Isn't it better to have it stay tucked in
and try your hardest to dodge the trigger bullets 
They are all neatly folded into mind cabinets anyway.
Surely, to unfold will be a fool's errand.

I found her.

I got a word from my heart.
She whispered,
'Maybe if you stop searching,
you'll find me.'

So I took a break from
certain faces that made me
feel uncomfortable
Certain spaces that made me
feel inadequate
Whatever it took, to find me.

And when I stopped searching -
I found her
waiting for her prodigal part
to return home.