You know what they say about healing. You gotta dig deep, pull out the mush, lay it bare and let it hit you. You pause, cry it out and stand back up. It's only then that the battle can begin. But what if you don’t get up. What if the baggage is so heavy, it crushes you. Leaving you paralyzed and incapable of recovering. All the memories that you fought so hard to forget - All up in your face. And you’re too weak to fight them - Too broken to walk away. The heartbreaks from your parents failed attempt at raising you, The death of your grandpa when you were a child - When you walked in and saw his lifeless body with cotton wool stuffed in his ears and nostrils. Your warped first introduction to sex The betrayals in friendships that happened time after time The times you were silenced and had no voice to speak The time that silence made you lose the most important part of you. --- On the other hand, What if you’re strong enough? What if you come out of this battle With the head of your attacker Swinging from your fingers. What if you learn to love again And you learn to trust again What if the right people come to you And you bare your souls to each other What if you find that safe haven you’ve always wanted And you speak with confidence and walk with you head high. What if you find the answers to your questions and a balm for the cracks in your heart What if you become whole again And life's colours become vibrant - a change from the dull faded lenses you're used to. What if you can conquer the fear? But what if you don't? Is it worth it? To ring up past memories and trauma and lay them in front of you Isn't it better to have it stay tucked in and try your hardest to dodge the trigger bullets They are all neatly folded into mind cabinets anyway. Surely, to unfold will be a fool's errand.
I’m currently on a devotional plan called ‘Dangerous Prayers’
It was going well until this morning when I hit a prayer I couldn’t bring myself to pray.
I struggled and struggled and ended up telling God to give me some time. ‘Let’s come back to this one’, I said. ‘I don’t think I’m quite ready for that’.
Now whilst speaking to God. I began to wonder.
Why am I so afraid to have God break me?
I mean, God says he wants the best for me. He is GOOD. Yes?
So why am I afraid of getting hurt or disadvantaged?
The bible says would a father give a stone when his child asks for bread? How much more God in Heaven?
I asked God to help me trust Him more because surely that is the root.
God is not wicked. Even when things don’t go my way, I should understand that God’s plans for me are of good and not evil.
I should be willing and able to utterly trust; leaving everything for this Being. Allowing him to break me and trusting he will build back.
I hope I’m able to say this prayer soon.
Till then, stay safe x
Also, yes, no salutations today because the world is shaking atm and you’ll just lie that you’re okay.
Long time no chat.
I hope you’re treating yourself nicely, eating your greens, staying fit… you know, all the good good things I’m definitely not doing for myself.
Last time I told you my struggle with sex and all the holes my mind was jumping through to validate it.
Well, I found my answer. I found it a couple of months back tbh but I forgot to let you know.
The simple answers are self-discipline and self-control. One of the fruits of the Spirit actually.
Yes I can do anything I want but not all things are good for me – rekkeeeeee!!! Somebody open your bible to 1 Corinthians 10:23
LMAO! I’m sorry. Back to business.
I want to be able to control my body you know, be the boss of myself and not a slave to my body. And that’s where discipline comes in. By controlling that part of me, I’m training my mind and body for other aspects of my life that need discipline and perseverance too.
Totally off topic, but I dreamt of mama through the night. I was hugging her so tightly and crying. When she noticed my tears and asked why, I told her ‘I’m just so happy you’re here’
Yes Jesus, more dreams like this. I know I cried to you to stop the dreams that time. But I think I’m healing well now.
I’ll gladly take me hugging her in my dreams than none at all.
Also, thank you Jesus for showing yourself this year. You are the most precious thing to me. It’s me and You till I die and for eternity.
Don’t ask me why I named this note that. It just seemed really weird having a title with the word ‘virginity’ in it. What could I have named it?
- Virginity Talk?
- to pop or not to pop?
- Can you do a split in the middle(thank you Naira Marley)?
Anyway, moving far away from that. I have never really felt a struggle to not have sex. It was pretty straight forward to me – not happening till the second week of marriage (you know, give the extra week to be sure I’m truly married. LOL).
This year though? My oh my. I mean, I just have to blame it on my hormones because I’m not sure if it’s because I’m meeting new people and suddenly have many more options or my sudden boost in boldness. I’m not exactly sure I understand what is going on.
Actually, I have a small idea.
I don’t believe in the things that kept me from sex anymore or I have found loopholes around them.
- The fear of pregnancy – condoms and pills (I hate pills and would absolutely forget to take them so maybe this should be it tbh)
- STDs? – condoms
- borderline terror of God – I don’t view God as a monster or slave master anymore
- soul ties – I am not sure I believe in it.
- reputation? – I’ve never really been one to care about what people think but it’s worse now.
- Getting attached to people re: soul ties
- It’s a sin – girl, you be cussing and doing a whole lot of other things so why is this different?
- Bonus point – I truly believe virginity is a social construct. Why should I suddenly be seen differently because a penis was in me? There is a 100% chance my hymen – if was ever going to ‘break’ did that in my multiple years of riding bicycles and horses. So yeah. Invalid!
I was speaking to one of my friend groups about it (the ones that have probably damned me to hell with the things I bring up). I explained how I didn’t have a ‘why’ for abstaining anymore.
Literally everyone – well almost everyone is having sex and still flourishing. In fact, doing better than I am, so kini izzue?
They brought up a couple of valid points against it but my brain obviously countered them. They advised that I needed to find my own reason to actually pursue ‘righteousness’.
I don’t know if I’ve found that reason yet but I did see something that made me laugh out loud recently on Zikokomag. Again, if you have not checked them out, why not? Anyway, that’s the link below. No need to thank me.
Number 9 – ‘…My married friends say sex slaps sweeter when you are not constantly thinking of burning in hell after. I want to experience that.’
Back to blaming biology and science in general, does this get worse with age?
Let me know your thoughts in the comments please.
P.S. I am not sponsored by Zikoko. I genuinely love their work.
I'd like to think you're dancing in Heaven With the Angels spraying you dollars as you sing heavenly songs of praise to the Father Happy Birthday my lover. Always and forever, Your baby.
I have commitment issues. You probably already picked up on it from my posts but I only realized this a couple of months ago when I met new people. I found it extremely difficult to let them into my life and build a relationship with them.
Through self-reflection and borderline tearing myself down, I linked this to the broken relationships I’ve had – I don’t think I healed in a healthy way.
These new people seemed like genuine people who just wanted to share the love of the father with me with no strings attached but I couldn’t shake off the feeling that it would all burst in my face.
I now realize that the feeling was fear. It crippled me so that I was unable to love with all of my body and mind, thereby robbing them of my value and myself of a good friendship. I know that fear comes from the father of lies – the devil but I am no longer a slave to fear. I have not been given the spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. It’s one of the reasons I started this blog and I can’t believe it took me so long to remember.
I’m taking steps to becoming better. I’m active in the group chat, I tell them how much I love them, and yes, I even post them on social media (which is basically like introducing your boyfriend to your parents tbh).
I obviously still sometimes have those doubts kick in but I’ve decided to be optimistic and go with the ride. If I come crashing again… well you’ll be the first to find out.
Look at me being consistent. I’ll wait for the applause.
I have something interesting to share with you. Remember when I told you that my faith was on the rocks (no, no alcohol jokes here lol)?
Two weeks ago, a man who was evangelizing walked up to me and handed me a pamphlet. ‘Do you believe in God?’ ‘Do you believe in life after death (heaven)?’ I answered yes to all his questions but knew I was lying to myself – a little Pinocchio.
It was a weird, scary feeling. My mind ran in circles. ‘Are you leaving God now?… you’re atheist after all these years? Are you willing to take this risk?’ And lastly, ‘are you crazy?’.
Strange things have happened these past few weeks. I’ll tell you about two. They’re both food related but I promise I’m not a glutton.
1. Jollof Rice: I had the most intense craving for jollof rice and I couldn’t find a place with good reputation to order from. With my history of cooking the particular dish, I decided the 20% chance of making inedible food wasn’t worth it so I tweeted a prayer for God to provide it. Now, I didn’t put my mind to it. I wasn’t expecting an answer at all. It was just an innocent tweet but my aunty came back that evening and offered – without being asked, to make – you guessed it – JOLLOF RICEEEEEE!
You’re probably thinking ‘Deb, have you heard of coincidences?’ I have, yes but let me give you another instance.
2. Doughnuts: About three days ago, I was laying in bed, on the phone with my friend and I repeatedly told them I was dying to eat doughnuts but I didn’t want to walk outside and the doughnut shop didn’t deliver. I tweeted that God should provide doughnuts the same way he provided the rice. And He did LOL! The next day, my coworker got me doughnuts unprovoked.
It’s the little things that tell me that there’s still a God. Okay one bonus one before I let you go. I was going to go rogue and then I got a text with a bible verse warning against it. I laughed so hard like I get it God, I wouldn’t dabble in it.
There are hints around me everyday. It’s also very nice to know that God is actively trying to get me back after all my disbelief and flat out disregard for Him.
Woke up to terrible news.
Suicide in the building across mine.
While I slept, someone succumbed to their thoughts and jumped to their end.
It’s scary how much power the mind has and the things we are capable of. The fact that one can give into those thoughts of inadequacy, self-hatred and the lies that the enemy throws at them and in one second, make a decision that has no back button is truly horrifying.
I have been in a rut recently. A dark, heavy cloud has been on me and my mind has been foggy. I have had terrible things seep in and sometimes nothing at all. I think that’s why the news hit hard. It could have been me. It could have been me on the news and people would have talked like they understood what I was going through. ‘Ah, we need more people who listen…we need more counsellors…Check up on your friends… Speak out please… don’t let social media pressure you…’ In fact, some would have flat out called me an ungrateful little brat because ‘people are going through worse‘ and therefore my feelings were invalid. And the really ignorant ones would have told my friends and family ‘ah, do you know she’s going to hell?… I thought she was a Christian… I hope she asked for forgiveness… Ah, what a waste.‘
How do we win this battle with our thoughts – apart from affirmations and speaking to people because I think, for the most part, we all know that but at that moment in time it doesn’t click. I have so much more to say. So many questions – about the mind, friendships, science, life and God. I want to tell you about how scared of myself I am majority of the time but I’m tired and worn out.
There’s this online magazine I read called Zikoko. I don’t think I can hype it up enough. It makes me laugh and cry and sometimes, the quizzes make me feel like the writers dabble in black magic because of how accurate the answers are for me.
This morning, I read something that made me very uncomfortable on their new segment where Nigerian young adults talk about their sex life – the good, the bad, the funny and the surprising. It’s called SexLife by the way in case you want to check it out.
I’m not going into details so read it yourself. Anyway anonymous tells us that his first encounter with a professional was not the greatest because they asked if he had ‘tried Jesus’.
TRIED JESUS! TRIED JESUS?
Hold your horses. While I am a firm believer in the power of Christ and his ability to set ‘captives’ free, I also believe in professionalism in the work place.
‘But Deb, the things of the spirit don’t make sense to the canal minded. We need to evangelize any and everywhere. Your church personality shouldn’t be different from your work personality…’
Okay why did this professional go to school to learn psychology or whatever they studied? Why didn’t they just go to bible school and sit in the church to pray for those who came WILLINGLY and asked for it? I mean if they aren’t going to use the professional methods to help others then what is the use?
I just think that if I go to a professional to speak about things going on in my life, that’s what I want to get. Do you understand me? Of course I know there is a God. I know about Jesus and prayer but I didn’t give you my hard earned money to ask me if I’ve tried Jesus.
Maybe after my session, when you have listened to me and realized I’m open to talking about Christ and prayer you can then bring it up. Like my mother used to say ‘kini gbogbo frapapa yen na’ (loosely translates to ‘what is all that rubbish’).
Let me know your thoughts on this please. Maybe my thought process is wrong.
Also don’t forget to check out Zikoko Magazine because they make my days better.
Let me let you in on a secret – I’m scared of water. It doesn’t matter if I’m knee deep or ankle deep. I just don’t like it.
So when my friend, N, suggested that we add jet skiing to our day trip plans, my immediate answer was a solid “hell to the no”. And I settled for rock climbing instead whilst she went into the water (gotta get these abs popping one way or another yh? LOL).
Don’t ask how I found myself on the passenger seat. I’m not really sure. She really knows how to get me because I went from ‘I would never’ to ‘fine, I’ll come to watch’ to screaming and laughing in the water.
And girl, it was so exciting. The wind, the water, the speed; I had never experienced such wonderfulness. I wasn’t even scared when the waves got really rough. All I saw was the beauty in it. It looked like someone had put a high-speed fan under a light blanket. Absolutely stunning.
We didn’t make it back to land before the heavy rain. Half of my makeup was gone (deffo looked like a clown), and my wig was a mess. That didn’t dampen the mood though. I wiped the rest of the makeup off my face, combed out my natural hair and was ready for the next adventure.
I have tasted and seen (that the Lord is good) the life on the other side of fear and it’s ridiculously exhilarating! There’s no stopping me now. Next stop is jumping out of the plane!
I’m kidding. That’s a hell to the no.