I filmed a video in 2021 on grief.
It was very negative and I remember saying that I’ll just never get over it or be okay and that’s a cross I needed to bear.
Now I’ll always give my old self the grace because I was going through it and the confusion was a lot. I was in deep grief and deep guilt about what had happened.
So I understand the space I was mentally.
The truth is, it wasn’t like that at the beginning. When the news was fresh and I was still connected to the Holy Spirit.
At the start, I was fellowshipping with the Holy Spirit and sticking close. Trying to understand why but submitting either way.
It was partly because I held on to so much faith and trust in God that my labour of love before tragedy struck and the conversations the Holy Spirit and I had had, were not going to be all for nothing.
I believed she’d come back.
Submitting to his will that she was going to stay gone, was HARD.
Even though throughout my time with God before the tragedy, I had prayed multiple times that His will be done.
Surely, his will for me was not to be motherless , vulnerable and exposed. Surely his will was not for her not to see her grandchildren after taking care of so many kids that were not hers.
Surely… surely when he said ‘plans of good and not of evil..’ death was not a part of the good.
Who knew an expected end was a life of grief and guilt without my mother for me, and a cut off life for her.
God had shown me who he was. How could I trust such a person?
It was then the shift began. I pointed my finger right at God.
Everyone said I couldn’t have saved her and it was God. So yes, I pointed at the person who took her away. Not from me alone, but the numerous people who counted on her.
She had plans you know… he took her dreams from her!
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Don’t ever entertain the bad thoughts guys. I know therapists say to sit in the pain sometimes but that doesn’t mean that you should entertain the devil’s thoughts.
The truth is you can’t, at that moment, sieve between what’s forming from the devil and will hold you hostage, or the harmless sitting in the grief… until it’s too late.
I didn’t crawl out of that hole for a long time. I struggled to get my mind back to the beginning when I trusted, had faith and believed I deserved to be here.
What am I saying? I still struggle today.
At one point, when people asked me to pray for them, I’d giggle and think ‘Anything wey wan sup go sup. No dey lie to yourself’. I would stretch my hands and pray whilst half telling God ‘don’t be mean to them like you were to me. Be nice’.
The truth is, grief is tough but you can control your thoughts. Stick to God and don’t leave him. It might feel like an abusive relationship at first. I know I felt that way… God took something from me and was cuddling me?? WILD. It’s giving weird vibes LOL.
Stick to the good thoughts and the truth God has said about your life.
It gets better. Trust me. I can say this with so much confidence because I’ve been through the wringer.
I’m not close to mastery but I’m in such a better space.
I’ll write more about other parts of my life that got affected by grief another time.
Bye for now.
S’ara giri mehn. Odeshi ❤️